Moved on...

So, christmas was less than a week ago, and I feel that I am fully back on track. From now on, everyday counts. I have my one year on the 18th of Febuary and I have a goal I need to reach. No more slip ups for me!

Here is my entry from today:

Breakfast: Multigrain cheerios: 150
                Apple: 80

Lunch: Panera- 1/2 turkey sandwhich: 280
                        Cup of french onion soup: 200

Snack: 2 chocolates :( : 120

Dinner: 1 slice of pizza: 250
            Large salad w/ chicken: 400

Snack: Yogurt: 90
            Orange slices: 60

Total: 1630
Water: 81 oz
Workout: 1 hour and 20 minutes at gym. Cardio + Toning.

I decided to start documenting my loss with pictures. I took my first photos on December 2nd. Since I only lost 4 pounds during December, I'm going to wait till my 1 year to take another picture. I will put those up around that time!

After xmas,

Christmas is over, and I am so sad. It was so so fun this year! I got amazing presents, had an amazing time with my family and am just over-all happy with everything. The day after christmas, there was a huge snow storm. We measured 23 inches of snow on our deck. It was so pretty! We all got stuck in our house and I spent the day watching movies. It was nice to finally have a day of doing absolutley nothing. Then, yesturday, I went shopping :). I wanted to spend some of my christmas money, however, I couldn't find anything! I am definalty in between sizes. Everything kind of fit weird. It was just not a good day for clothes. I did get toning sneakers though. I can't wait to wear them on the tredmill, and just out and about to see if they work. I got them on sale, so if they suck, I only spent 25 dollars on them.

When it comes to my weight I gained nothing, I lost nothing. This is the best outcome for me. Of course I would have loved to lost weight, but in reality I knew that wasn't going to be the case. On christmas of course I let lose. I had pasta for the first time in almost a year, I had a lot of yummy food but I don't care. It was christmas, I totally deserved to have one day of bliss. I've been using all my new amazing work out stuff. That definatly helped me not gain anything, I have been continuing to work out, which has been so fun. I needed to jazz it up, and it's paying off for sure.

Moving forward, I am back on track and excited. I have my one year coming up in 1 month and 3 weeks. I have my 65 pound goal way at the top of my list, and cannot wait to reach it!

Messing up.

I have officailly decided to just put this all on hold till the day after xmas. I am just getting way to frusterated and stressed. It's not worth ruining my holiday season. I think if I just stop stressing out about it, I won't "fuck up" so bad anyway. Mind you, my idea of "fucking up" is eating something healthy, that is out of the norm, and not recording. Also, I had 2 chocolate chip cookies 3 days in a row now. I haven't gained weight at all I just do not feel right. Im kind of a perfectionist, if you haven't already got that vibe, and I need things to be just right, and if they aren't, I put pressure on myself. Anywho, tomrrow I am going to the city, so with all the walking I will be doing Im not worried at all about gaining. Christmas day, my mom is making over-all healthy stuff, so Im not worrying. I'm just so so so excited for the day after xmas when I can just get fully back on track! I want this weight off so bad, and this month has honestly been a stuggle. I only lost 4 pounds this entire month. My mom keeps telling me I am nuts because most people gain like 10 pounds over the holidays, but Im not happy with my results. I am going to really push myself hard the end of December/begining of January before my semester starts on the 18th.

Since everything got messed up cause of this month, I knocked down my 1 year goal to 65 pound loss instead of 70. I definatly do not want to put unrealistic expectations on myself ontop of Decembers disappointment.

Anyway, I have been watching a lot of the biggest loser. What an amazing show! I never really followed it before but it is so inspirational.  I know the season ended, but I have in on demand. The new season starts on the 3 or 4 and Im super excited to follow the whole season. It's truley amazing how much those people lose in like 7 month. The person that won lost 120ish pounds I believe, that is incredible!!! Seeing how happy they were and their families was seriously beautiful. I cannot wait to feel that way when I reach my goal.

Here is my sad, sad journal entry from today.

Breakfast: Whole wheat bagel w/
                 reduced fat cream cheese:  340
                 Coffee: 30                            
                                                                   TOTAL: 370

Lunch: Big salad w/ grilled chicken
                               Carrots
                               Cucumbers
                               Crutons
                               Blue cheese crumbles
                               Balsamic = 360

Apple: 80                                             
                                                                TOTAL: 440


Snack: 2 homemade cookies: 200
           Diet swiss miss hot coco w/
           1 tbsp chocolate syrup: 80
                                                              TOTAL: 280

Dinner: Steamed veggies w/ beef 250
            1 cup white rice  200                      TOTAL: 450

TOTAL: 1540
Water: 70 oz.

Today sucked..

Yum.

I made a discovery not to long ago. I realized there are 4 foods I eat almost everyday. I noticed it one day looking through my food journal. This got me thinking about these foods, I did some research and was very happy. I wanted to share the health benefits I found.

Eggwhites. They are high in protein, and low in cholesterol. 1 cup of egg whites has as much protein as a 4 oz peice of chicken. Eggwhites also have many nutirents like, potassium, magnesium, calcium and phosphorus.

Apples. Apples are amazing. In one study I read about, they actually help shed pounds. They also help prevent diseases like types of cancer, and alzheimers. They always protect your bones.

Green Tea. It is packed with antioxidants which alone is a great reason to drink it daily. It also helps your body burn more fat. It is such a benefit to your over-all health.

Almonds. This is my favorite food on this list. I love almonds!! They are the most nutrient nut. I have heard that eating almonds on an empty stomach is more beneficail, so your body absorbs all the good stuff. Almonds are also good for your skin! Almonds contain vitamin E, calcium, and iron.

Holidays... ugh.

Things have been rough. I haven't lost anything in the past week, haven't gained either, which is good. However, I am still disappointed.With christmas coming closer, things are getting so much more difficult. I just kind of can't wait for it to be over. Not the holiday and the fun of it, just the food part. I have been feeling really bloated, and having heartbrun. I just feel tired also, all the sugar I think. My body feels out of wack. Im eating normally, but, when everyone in my house is baking, and making yummy treats, it is so hard to say no. I told myself not to deprive myself of anything, but the effect it is having on my body is just awful. I feel gross! From now on I think I will skip all the holiday treat stuff. I don't even want it anymore. I have lost interest.

Even though it has been hard, I am having such an amazing week. One final tomrrow night, and I am officaily done :)! My grades this semester are really good. In one of my classes, I got the highest grade! That was definatly a first. Im happy I was able to focus on school and my weight loss, because I lost 25 pounds over the course of the semester. I'm just going to have to hang in there for the next week, hope for the best, and do my best.

Crystal Renn

She is my IDOL. I used to work at Torrid, and she had done some modeling for the store. I thought that she was absolutly gorgeous, and I have had an obsession with her now for about 4 years. When her book came out I jumped right on it and have read it 2 times, about to read it a third. She is such an inspiration not only to plus-size women, but all women. Her courage is proof this it is OK to be yourself, as long as it makes you happy. Watch this video to get more of an idea of her story. It is a beautiful one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaBUM6o0v1Y

YAY!

So, I was totally right about the stress thing. I got almost everything done over the weekend, and this morning when I got on the scale, -3 pounds! I am SO happy, I cannot even put it into words. I feel completely on track and just ready to continue.

A lot of great things are happening for me. School is over in exactly 1 week! Only one small paper left to write and 2 finals. One of which I am totally going to kill. So overall school is deffinatly ending, and I am so happy. This winter break is going to be so amazing. I will just get to relax, and work on my weight loss! It's perfect timing to have this kind of break, so I can really work hard for my 1 year weight loss goal. My sister will also be home for a month! She lives in Arizona, and I have only seen her for a weekend since august, so sad! All of these factors will really help me stay positive and work even harder. I am just so happy!

Stress Effects ...

Finally, the weekend is here, and I have no weight loss to report. I have been eating almost perfectly, and went to the gym everyday this week except  monday and thursday. Im postive its just stress thats preventing the numbers on the scale to drop. I am so used to this, and it is so utterly annoying. Like this week, I could be so motivated to lose this and go to the gym, but nothing will happen! It has happened to me before. I do have a plan though!

I am NOT going to get discouraged. I know exactly why I am not losing the weight, I am not going to mess myself  up for any reason. I am going to keep eating good and going to the gym as scheduled. School and the fact that chritmas is coming up I think are my 2 main stressors. So this weekend I am springing into action. I have 2 major papers due this week, I am going to write one today, and one tomorrow. I am going to do the rest of my chirstmas shopping tonight. That was instead of dragging out my stress for another week, Im going to get it over with this weekend, so hopefully next week I have a fair chance of starting my weight loss up again when I am working very hard too.

I am also SICK. I have a stomach virus or something. Even though my mom thinks it's just from stress. No time to even think about it..

Feeling very motivated.

Although this week is literally from hell, I want to keep a level head. I know I need to worry about finals and school but unlike last semester (when I didn't lose anything for about a month at the end) I am putting myself high on my priority list. I am at a very important place right now. I feel motivated and REALLY want this weight off, I am not going to stop, not even for the next 2 weeks untill this semester is over. I am giving this 100% and school 100% I don't care how tired I am, I'll have an entire month off to recooperate :).

Tomrrow night in one of my classes we are having an end of the year party. Everyone gave money and we are getting chinese food. What a great thing to eat, right? I also made really, really cute cupcakes for the occasion, and I know other people are bringing dessert type stuff. I'm excited for this but nervous too. It's hard to enjoy myself when I am worrying about what I'm eating. My plan going in is just to have really small portions. Like, a couple bites. I'll eat something filling and healthy before hand. Also, go right to the gym after class.

Tonight at the gym I felt so great. I was on the elipical for 45 minutes. That was a first! I rememeber when I first starting going to the gym, I couldn't stay on it for 15 minutes. I love having small reminders like that to motivate me, and help me rememeber how truly far I have come, and how hard I have worked.

Here is my journal:

Breakfast: 1 cup cheerios with 1/4 cup milk: 130
                Small Banana: 80
                Coffee: 30                     TOTAL: 240

Lunch: Footlong veggie sub on wheat
          (tomato, lettuce, cucumber, green pepers,
          sweet pepers & banana pepers, no sauce)
                                                     TOTAL: 430

Snack: Pretzel/Almond/Raisin mix: 190
           Apple: 80                           TOTAL: 270

Dinner: 4oz chicken: 120
           Brown rice: 220
           Big salad: 130                    TOTAL: 470

Snack: Whole wheat crackers: 70
            Cheese: 35
           Clementine: 25                    TOTAL: 130

TOTAL: 1540
Water: 87 oz
Workout: 45 min. on eliptical, 25 minute toning stuff.

I have 2 months and 10 days until my 1 year anniversary of when I started this. I have that 70 pound goal in mind every morning, I wrote a sign for the back of my bedroom door, I want it more then anything!!!!!

STRESSED.

The end of the semester is coming up quick, I am swammed with essays, projects and a ton of other stuff. I am so stressed! Whenever I got a free second today I was doing my work. My eating was a little off today, I had to rush to class, so didn't have a real dinner.

Breakfast: Eggwhite & cheese on whole wheat: 150
                Clementine: 30
                Coffee: 30                               TOTAL: 210

Lunch: Lean cusine (Chicken stir fry w/ veggies): 300
           String cheese: 80
           Blueberries: 25
                                                               TOTAL: 405
Snack: 2 chocolate chip cookies :( : 220
           Apple: 80                                      TOTAL: 300

Dinner: Turkey sandwhich on whole wheat: 160
            Almonds: 170
            Fruit crisp bar: 100                     TOTAL: 430

Snack: Salad w/
            Free Italian dressing: 20
           1 tbsp of bacon bits: 25
           1/4 cup feta cheese: 90               TOTAL: 150

TOTAL: 1495
Water: 80 oz
Workout: Pilates, 30 min. on bike.

Hopefully things ease up soon! The semester is over in 2 weeks! I cannot wait.

Pilates, I love you.

Pilates are seriosuly incredible..

6 years ago I saw an infomercail for pilates. It looked to good to be true. I was out shopping with my mom one night and saw a pilates dvd. I thought to myself, what the heck! I bought it and I have loved it ever since. They really, REALLY work. If you hate working out, you will not hate pilates. I have a 20 minute workout on dvd, and a 45 minute pilates workout. It's great, and they are fun. If you follow along with the instructor, and do them consistantly, you will see results. I started doing them just 2 times a week (still working out other days) about 3 weeks ago, and I have already lost 2 inches from my thighs, and another 2 inches from my waist. It's great you can do them alone in your room! I really want to join a class soon to learn about them even more!

Here is my journal from today-

breakfast: Total cereal w/ skim milk: 280
                Coffe: 30                              TOTAL 310

lunch: chicken & rice stir fry: 280
         Salad w/ free italian, cheese, and crutons: 140
                                                             TOTAL: 420

Snack: Kelloggs Fruit crisp bar: 100
           Handful of Almonds: 100

Dinner: (Panera) Soup: 190
                         Salad:     180
                          Bread: 180               TOTAL: 560

Snack: Apple sprinkled w/ cinnomon: 80

TOTAL: 1570
Water: 87 oz

My eating could have been better today, I definaatly should have had more fruit. I was out and about all day, so I did what I could!

Low calorie options.

Often when my friends, or family ask me how I am losing weight and I say, just eating healthy, they seem disappointed. Like I have some magic spell thats helping me lose this weight that will help them too. Eating healthy IS the magic spell! It just takes work. I have found and fell in love with many products that are healthy, and low calorie that I have come to eat quite often. They really help me stick to this change.

COUNTRY KITCHEN LIGHT WHOLE WHEAT BREAD:


This bread is so GOOD! It is only 35 calories per slice. At first it may seem a little smaller, but the taste is so good. It fills you up without adding 160 calories, which 2 slices of normal whole wheat bread are.


ALL WHITES 100% LIQUID EGG WHITES:

I eat eggwhites every morning. It's good to start your day with protein, and eggwhites have it! It's 30 calories per 1/4 cup. I scramble them, or make an omlette, or a sandwhich. They are super quick.

BORDEN FAT FREE CHEESE:

 

This cheese is only 30 calories per slice! I normally see a red falg when I see packaged cheese but this particular brand is farmer owned and tastes really good.

KRAFT FREE ITALIAN DRESSING: 

I am a salad freak. This dressing is heaven sent for me. Its 20 calories per 2 tbsp. That is a lot of dressing for barley any calories. It has a really bold flavor which I love as well.

KELLOGG'S FRUIT CRISPS:

These are amazing. They taste like crunchy pop tarts. When I am craving something sweet I eat these. 2 per pouch! Only 100 calories.

EDY'S FRUIT BARS:

These ice pops are so good. When everyone in my house is eating ice-pops or ice cream and I want something too, I get one or two of these. Only 30 calories per pop! Super good!



Feeling better.

Today was a MUCH better day, no odd cravings! :D
Yesturday got me thinking a lot. I am more mad at myself for getting mad then anything. Days like that happen to everyone, I let it effect me way to much. Oh well, live and learn right?

Today's entry,

Breakfast: Eggwhite & cheese on whole wheat
                Banana
                Coffee                        280

Lunch: Turkey & cheese on whole wheat
           Veggie chips
            Clementine                     330

Snack: Kellogs Fruit crisp bar     100

Dinner: 4 oz chicken
            Broccoli w/ a little melted cheddar
            rice                                 500

Dessert: Low-fat ice cream sandwhich      170

Total: 1380
Water: 80 oz
Workout: 30 minutes on the bike. 30 minutes of toneing (weights, and crunches ect..)

I am also so happy, another planet fitness is opening up like 10 minutes from my house. This is so exciting :)

Such an off day.

Today was BIZZARE. That's the best word I can use to describe it. I'm not really sure what is going on in my brain. I had a normal breakfast, normal snack, and lunch. I was super full after lunch too, I felt great. I was up to about 700 calories, right on point. THEN, about an hour after lunch, I starting craving the weirdest things. I wanted goldfish crackers, and like chocolate (NO, it is not that time of the month!) That is why I am treating this like a mystery...
Anyway, so at first I knew it was just a craving, but I could NOT ignore it. So, I had a handful of goldfish to take away the craving, however, it wouldn't go away. I fought it until like 5pm. After consuming 4, yes 4 bottles of water to try to curb my hunger and cravings. I gave in and had some more goldfish, I had cheezits, and a piece of dark chocolate. I'm so mad I could not fight these cravings. They are usually not that strong, so I am just over-all pissed. I had class tonight, so I ate when I got home. I was too tired to make anything, so I settled for a quick turkey sandwhich, cup of chicken noodle soup, and a peice of fruit. With all my little munchies through-out the day my calorie intake is really high, about 1850. I know I am taking this day by day, BUT I am really mad! I want to reach my goals more than anything! Having a day like this just will not do...

I know I am suppose to be positive, but fuck, sometimes this is REALLY hard! It is days like these that will really test a persons will-power to stay in the game. To be honest, I just feel like crying, but I will not, I am just going to go to bed, wake up tomrrow, hit the gym, and just forget today ever happened.

The aftermath

I woke up this morning and felt terrible. Thanksgiving was a blurr! I do not even want to talk about it. Food wise I did absolutly fine, it was just the dessert part that got me! Now that its been 24 hours since I feel so much better. My eating today was light. I needed to rebound from yesturday and just keep moving all day. I worked out for a good hour, and just keep busy cleaning and such around the house, and shopping. I feel great! I cannot wait for christmas but also can't wait for the month inbetween now and then to lose more weight!

Breakfast: Eggwhite omlette w/ cheddar cheese.
                Whole wheat toast
                 Clementine
                 Coffee                 TOTAL: 270

Lunch: 4oz turkey on whole wheat
           Celery & carrots w/ 2 tbps organic ranch
                                             TOTAL: 305

Snack: 30 Pistachios               160

Dinner: (Panera) 1/2 bbq chopped chicken salad
                          cup of french onion soup
                           multigrain bread
                                             TOTAL: 590

Snack: Apple w/ 2 tbps peanut butter
           5 whole wheat crackers
                                              TOTAL:340

TOTAL: 1665
Water: 80 oz

   

Happy!

Everything has been going so wonderfully. I feel fully on track with my eating. The working out part is another story. Im really going to be pushing myself. I want my total loss to be 70 pounds by Febuary 18th (that will be my one year). I feel so proud that I have not given up, I don't even care that I have had some horrible weeks, that fact that I have consistantly been losing, and NOT gaining any weight back just makes me smile. When I reach my goal on the 18th, that will mean I only have about 30 more to lose for my over-all goal loss of 100lbs. I want to reach that by July 1st. I know I will do it.

I wrote out a work out chart for myself. I wrote out each day of the month and figured out with my schedule what days I can definatly work out without a conflict. I know this will help me keep track better. With my eating back under control and my workout schedule I am super excited!

Here is my journal entry from yesturday 11/23/10:

Breakfast: Eggwhite and cheese on english muffin: 160
                Small clementine: 30
                Coffee: 50

Snack: 30 Pistachios: 160

Lunch: Mini Pizza: 300 cal
           Salad w/ 1 tbsp of ranch: 90
           Granola bar: 90

Snack: Bisquick Biscut (made in school! so good!) 160

Dinner: 4oz chicken w/ BBQ sauce 150
            Long grain rice 300
            Broccoli 50

Snack: 4 cups popcorn: 100
           Blueberries: 30

Late that night I got SOOOO hungry!
3/4 cup of special k w/ milk: 160

TOTAL: 1830
Water: 90oz
Workout: Pilates, 30 minute walk.

My late night snack made my caloire intake a little higher then normal, but I was starving for some reason. I think because it was a very long day, I was up early and went to bed late. It happens!

Entry from today 11/24/10

Breakfast: Eggwhite & chedder cheese omlette: 140
                Whole wheat toast sprinkled with cinnomon: 70
                Clementine: 30
                 Coffee: 45
TOTAL 285

Snack: 20 pistachios :100

Lunch: 4oz sliced chicken on whole wheat with lettuce, tomato, & sweet peppers: 280
           Veggie chips: 140
TOTAL: 420

Snack: Chocolate pudding in mini gram cracker crust: 180

Dinner: 8oz cup of chicken soup: 100
           Cranberry walnut salad with chicken: 450
TOTAL: 550

Snack: 3/4 cup apple cinnomon cheerios with milk: 150
           Blueberries: 30

TOTAL: 1715
Water: 84.5 oz

Beauty

What is beautiful?

That question is very difficult to answer. I find a lot of things and people beautiful. Women and men may define beauty differently, people of different ages too. One thing I cannot stand is what the media potrays as beautiful. Latley, I have noticed watching t.v or flipping through magazines everyone looks the same. There is no diversity in the way people look. The same body types, same hair, same make-up styles. Im not getting it!

I saw this Dove video about 2 years ago, it always stuck with me because this is what everyday people, and young kids are looking at, and trying to be...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

That women was beautiful to begin with. They made her look completely different. That final image is what young girls are seeing, and saying I want to look just like her, a computer made person. This is why there are so many young girl and boys and even people who are older have so many body image issues. They are striving to look a certain way that is impossible. What kills me the most is, this is acceptable. Magazines put out a new issue monthly, and no one is saying, HEY, you are screwing with everyone who reads this. Don't even get me started on plus-size people in the media, that is a whole other issue. Unless a bigger person is funny, and the butt of all jokes on a t.v show or movie, you will not see one.

Something needs to change! People are evolving, and the media should too. The average size of a women in  america is a size 14. Plus size model's sizes start at a size 6. Does anyone else see something not adding up? I could go on forever about this topic because it just bothers me so much. It's not far that someone like me, has to be looked at as different just because of my size, or any other person for any other reason. I hate the media.

Holiday Game Plan

            With the holidays coming up, I can honestly say I'm nervous. It makes me so mad because I want to lose this weight more than anything, I know that, but I'm going to be faced with a lot of challenges. I mean, stuffing, pies, christmas cookies, hot chocolate. Should I miss out on my favorite holiday foods? Is it going to make my holiday season less enjoyable if I am stuck between healthy and non-heathly? This is going to be the hardest time so far for me and my weight loss.
             When I was going to a nutritionist about 5 years ago it was around the holidays, she said have a plan going in. Instead of eating and then writing it in your journal at the end of the day, write what you will eat for the whole day before it even starts. This way, you feel more in control. I think this is the best way to go about doing this for me. I know exactly what I am going to eat on thanksgiving, and it's 4 days away! Of course I know I will have an extra spoonful of something maybe I didn't plan on, but hey, whatever!
              I think I have come to the conclusion that the holidays should be a time of fun. This year, unlike every other year I am going to take the pessure off myself. I am going to stick to my healthy eating, and if a cookie comes into the mix, or a yummy cup of hot coco, I am not going to sweat it. I know I just need to keep a level head, and enjoy myself. Worrying about it and denying myself yummy holiday treats will make me eat more! Like I have said before, I am just werid like that. Also, on the big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas I am not going to count calories. I will just eat what I have planned, and just for those two days not worry about it. I think I deserve it :) It will be like a gift to myself.

As for the present, I have been in an emotional hole the past week or so. My eating has reflected that. Today I am going to be geting back on track. The weekend was horrific. I didn't gain weight, but I feel like shit. So here is my plan for today:

Breakfast: Yogurt- 90cal
                 Berries- 45 cal
                 1 slice whole wheat toast- 35 cal
                 Coffee- 50 cal
TOTAL: 220 cal.

Lunch: Turkey & Cheese on Whole wheat: 160
            Huge salad w/ low calorie italian dressing: 50
            Granola bar: 90
TOTAL: 300

Snack: Large grapefruit: 100
           Whole wheat crackers: 70
TOTAL: 170

Dinner: 8 oz Grilled eggplant: 65
            Brown rice: 220
            Broccoli: 45
TOTAL: 330

Snack: Apple w/ peanut butter: 270

Total calories: 1300
Water: 85oz
Workout: 1 hour walking on tredmill, pilates.

It doesn't seem like a lot of calories, however, I picked high fiber foods to keep me feeling full. This plan always helps me get my mind and body back to eating the way I should!

When I am skinny.

When I am skinny I won't get made fun of.
When I am skinny I won't be hated.
When I am skinny I won't be disgusting.
When I am skinny I can start having fun.
When I am skinny I will find a boyfriend
When I am skinny I will have a lot of friends.
When I am skinny I will be popular.
When I am skinny I can start wearing cute clothes.
When I am skinny I won't stand out from my sisters.
When I am skinny I won't think everytime someone laughs in public or at school, it's at me.
When I am skinny I will be a better person.
When I am skinny I won't be sad anymore.
When I am skinny I will be able to look at myself and not want to be someone else.
When I am skinny I won't think everyone thinks I am gross.
When I am skinny I will be beautiful.
When I am skinny I can go out and feel comfortable.
When I am skinny I won't want to die.
When I am skinny I will be able to live my life,
I am SICK of waiting.


As I was looking through my old journals. I found that. It is from June 10, 2005. I was 14 years old.
I  have not looked at it since I wrote it. I remember feeling all those things, but actually seeing it on paper made me break down in tears. Not only because of how horrible this is, and how much pressure I put on myself to lose weight, but the fact there are thousand of young girls and boys out there that feel that same exact way. I cannot handel that fact that other people feel this way, it breaks my heart.
If I could go back 6 years and tell myself something it would be that I was going to be fine, and the weight did not define me. Nobody should EVER have to feel this way. That is why people in general should be more excepting of others, no matter what. You do not want to be the reason someone feels this horrible about themselves.
I wish I never felt this way, however, it's just more motivation. Not because what I wrote when I was 14 was true at all, just because now I know I am losing weight for ME. I am losing weight to be healthy and no other reason. I was at the point when I started this (and still am) that I am happy with myself, and my life. This journey is mine.

Marathon Man!

I had a very busy weekend, I went to Arizona! I had an amazing time, the weather was so beautiful! I did SO much walking. My sisters apartment in around everything, so we walked everywhere. I would estimate that I walked, probably 6 miles in total. So, over this weekend get away, I didn't worry about not working out. Food wise, I did ok. I really stuck to healthy options. It was just difficult on the way home. On the plane there really was nothing healthy, so I had a bag of chips, and brought a bagel on the plane. Luckly, I didn't gain a thing. I didn't lose either, which was kind of a disappionment. However, I know I will bounce back :)

I will be going back to Arizona in April to participate in my first marathon! I am so excited. I know training for this will keep my weight loss more consistant. I'm going to have to change my entire workout, and work very hard. Running in a marathon has always interested me, and I know for the first time I can really work hard to train for it, and succedd. I cannot wait to see the effect the training has on my body and my stamina. I get so excited thinking about it!!

Now that I am back home, today I really focused on getting my eating back to normal. Here is my entry for the day:

Breakfast-  Egg white & cheese on whole wheat bagel thin- 170 cal
                  Blueberries-30 cal
                  Coffee- 60cal
TOTAL- 260

Lunch- Broccoli & cheese soup from panera- 290
            Bread- 140
TOTAL- 430

Snack- Crackers- 140
            String cheese- 60
TOTAL- 200

Dinner- 4oz peice of chicken parm (not breaded, with fresh mozzeralla) 180.
             Whole grain brown rice- 220
              Big salad-50
TOTAL- 450

Dessert- Ice cream cake (for dad's bday celebration!) 230

Total for day- 1570
Water- 86 oz.
Exercise- 1 hour at gym, 40 minutes of cardio, 20 minutes of toning.

Such a good day calories wise, I should have had more fruit though. I will make that my snack later on!

Weekend from food HELL.

This past weekend was really fun. Saturday I went to a first birthday party. Sunday I went to a retirment dinner fancy thing. All was great, excpet my eating. I have not mastered this yet. Trying to stick to healthy options when there really is none? UGH! I think I did okay for the position I was in, but looking back I could have done better.

First birthday party-
I drank nothing but water.
I had a peice of bread.
Half my plate was salad/a scoop of ziti/one peice of chicken parm(about 5oz)
CAKE. OH MY GOSH WAS IT AMAZING. Going in I was planning on skipping the cake. However, someone there made this gorgeous 3 layers teddy bear cake. I could NOT resist. It was worth it too. White cake with cinnamon and sugar cream cheese icing :).

Overall, I think I did okay. For the party setting I was in, I think I kept a level head.

Retirment Party-
Drank nothing but water.
Had 2 peices of bread.
Salad
Had steak (about 8oz)/Potatoes/Veggies
Chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream.

Now, what was interesting about this was the following: It was a super nice sit down dinner at a country club. There were no other options other then what was served. I could have only eaten about half the steak, and half the cake. Looking back now I wish I had done that.

This got me thinking. In all situations, can you really stick to full on healthy eating? The answer... NO!
That is why when you are really trying this for the long run, you need to understand, you are going to fuck up, and life does get in the way. That is why you just have to accept what happens, and do better the next day. I only gained a pound over the weekend. I know that will be easy to burn off  :)

Until next time <3

November already?

WOW. It is already November? Where does the time go? I feel like I just started the semester, before I knew it, I'm done with this semester in about a month! This have been going AMAZING with my weight loss. My plan was to lose another 6 pounds because I go to Arizona on the 11th. I have lost about 4, and have another week to lose 2! Im in great shape for reaching my goal. I have found a lot of motivation in complements  lately. A lot of people have been noticing my weight loss. It is amazing to have your hard work noticed. It just motivates me to keep going, because I know everyone is supporting me.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my over-all goal. I really haven't thought about it until now, because I am more then half way there. Im thinking the best thing to do is give myself a deadline. I have about 40 more pounds I want to lose, and I think I want to reach that goal by may 2011. I think that is totally reachable, and not a crazy goal. I considered the holidays coming up, and I defiantly do not want to set myself up for failure.

Another thing I want to start looking into is helping people just like me. When I first starting succeeding at this whole weight loss thing, my first thoughts were, I need to help everyone do this who wants too. I want to show everyday people like me, that just with simple live style changes, you can do this too!

Here is what I ate today:

Breakfast- Egg whites & cheese on whole wheat toast: 160
                 Small banana: 65
                 Coffee: 50            TOTAL: 275

Lunch- Lean cuisine- 280
             Salad: 100
                                               TOTAL: 380

Snack- Watermelon: 40
            Crackers & Cheese: 140
                                              TOTAL: 180

Dinner- Salad with chicken & 1 slice pizza: 500ish

Snack- Yogurt and fruit: 140

TOTAL FOR DAY: ABOUT 1500.
Workout: 30 minutes on treadmill & palates.





                                          

Busy much?

I have not updated since the begining of the month! CRAZY. I have not forgotten about my blog, I have just been so busy with school, work, and friends. What a month it has been...

October always seems to be my non-stop busy month for me, for  as long as I can remember. School gets crazy this month cause of mid-terms, my birthday is on the 16th, halloween.. ahhh. Well here is how it's been going.. since my last blog I have lost about 6 pounds! I was totally telling the truth in my last blog. I have just been really focusing on myself. Things have re-clicked and I am seeing the benefits. 6 pounds lighter in about 25 days, and I couldn't be happier. I have been on this change for about 9 months now, and I want nothing more than to reach my over-all goal during next semmer and just start truly living my life.

Anyway, my birthday was great this year. I turned 20! I can't beleive I am already 20. It feels like just yesturday I turned 13. I went apple picking, carved pumpkins, relaxed, went out to dinner with my family, and went to the movies. It was a very busy day, but so worth it and so fun. Joe made my day wonderful and I can't thank him enough. I made great food choices too on my birthday. I had grilled eggplant topped with tomato and mozzerella cheese. It was DELICIOUS. I want to go back to that resturant very soon. I have cake too! SO good. My mom got me 2 huge cupcakes, and a cute lemon cake. I had a small bite of each. It was so great!

Im looking forward to the rest of October, and Novemeber! I'm not even sure what I am going to be for halloween yet, or if I am going to dress up at all. In November I am going to Arizona to see my sister. I CAN'T WAIT! I have been looking forward to this forever. I want to lose another 5 or 6 pounds before that trip. It's only 3 weeks away, but I know if I just keep my focus like I have been, I can reach that goal. I will update again a lot sooner then last time! <3

Re-clicked.

      Just wanted to put up a quick update; Something has re-clicked, and I couldn't fell happier or better! I think I finally settled in with my new schedule, and was able to just just focus the past week and a half. I already lost 2 lbs! I feel like I did in the begining of all of this back in Feb. I dont even want to screw up. No drama anymore, I just want to simply lose weight. I cannot wait to keep this going. I'm headed to the gym now, so I will update after the weekend, I know I will stick to this.

Pumpkins, detoxing, and workouts.

      I did so well this weekend! I'm so proud! I even made pumpkin bread with cream cheese frosting and fit it into my day. It so so amazing and so worth it. I love being able to eat healthy, lose weight and still eat what I love. It's all about portion control. It's so simple, and that's why it's so sad that sometimes people who are trying to lose weight feel horrible about themselves when they eat one thing thats considered "unhealthy." In my mind, it's okay to eat something unhealthy once in a while, as long as it's in moderation and you keep the portion in check. EVERYTHING IS OKAY IN MODERATION. That is how I have been able to even do this, still eat what I want!
      I'm considering a detox this week. I haven't done a serious one in at least 3 years. I was reading an article and they suggested detoxing at least 4 times a year. I'm going to start doing this. It really helps flush your body out of  chemicals, and other crap. It's really not that hard either. The one I'm going to try this week is just eating nothing processed. So, just eating fruits, veggies, meats, eggs, 100% whole wheat breads and pastas,  nuts (all organic) and just drinking water, tea or coffee. So no more pretzels, granola bars,or anything out of a bag. This won't be to difficult. It's only for 5 days, so I'm actually excited for this. I'm excited to see how much I will lose, and  how much better I feel.
    I finally made a decision about my workouts. I am going to keep my memebership. I have some time Tuesdays and Thursdays, so no matter how tired I am, I'm dragging myself there. I can also go on Saturdays. With my detox, and new workout schedule, I shoulld really lose the 10 pounds before November that I am like dieing to lose. Im excited to start my new plan this week! I will keep updating!

Update,

      Since my last post I have really been hanging in there. I feel so good! It's almost that time of the month, so other then the occasional night-time cravings I have been doing fabulous. I have had a very busy week, school and work blahblah, but I'm really proud of myself for keeping on track. I still haven't figured out my work-out situation. Other then the walks I take maybe 3 times a week, I have been doing no other exercise. I'm leaning towards canceling my memebership and just expanding my gym here at home. Here is my Journal entry for today;

Breakfast: eggwhite and cheese on english muffin: 190 cals.
                strawberries: 40 cals.
                 coffee: 50 cals.

Snack: cheese: 70 cals.
            nuts: 100 cals.

Lunch: turkey sandwhich on whole wheat: 200 cals.
            blueberries: 40 cals.

Dinner: 4oz sirlion: 180
           small baked potatoe w/ 2 tbs sour cream : 200
           side salad: 50 cals.

 snack: 1/2 cup strawberry ice cream on a waffer cone: 140
           Specail K bar: 100
           Organic fruit chews: 80

TOTAL:1440 cals. WATER: 84.5 oz.

       Today was very busy, I would usually eat about 200 calories more, but I'm not hungry and not complaining! I rarely set such difficult goals, however, I really want to lose 10 pounds before November. I think if I really start working out regularly again, this won't be to difficult. Let's see how it goes :) That would bring my over-all loss too 55 lbs!

My weekend.

        Oh boy, were to begin.. I will just lay it out for you right now. I fucked up. I had a great weekend, don't get me wrong. I spent it in Long Island with Joe. We had a great time, we went to a movie, shopping, looked for halloween costumes, and ate SO BAD. I am feeling it today. I feel heavy and sluggish, and I have a stomach ache. This is how I will typically feel if I eat out of my norm. Ill just go through how I did.

       Friday during the day, I was SO busy, I didn't plan and just wasn't thinking about my eating. Sometimes this happens, life gets in the way. I didn't eat horribly, I just didn't eat. This is what usually happens when I am busy, I don't eat for a long period of time, then I eat something unhealthy cause I want whatever is the quickest. I got home from school and had a bowl of beef lo mein. No comment on that. Then I left my house quickly after and was still hungry after filling up on carbs. I grabbed a bag a quater full of chex mix (great choice). Then when I got to Joe's school, I ate some MORE of his chex mix. I hatv no explanation for this. We went to the movies and then after we stopped at Applebees. We decided to do the "2 for 20" thing they had going on, because we are both broke. Obviously, nothing really healthy on this menu. We got spicy queso dip for an appitizer. It was so good, but so bad. Then for my entree I had the oriental chicken salald. I knew when I ordered this is wasn't healthy even though it was a salad, but I had a plan. It is a salad, with toasted almonds, cabbage, chicken with like, 2 inch thick breading, and a creamy dressing. The first thing I did was remove about 3/4 of the chicken, and only ate half. I felt much better about my choice. I can't remember if I ate anything afterward.
         Saturday, I knew I needed to redeem myself. Breakfast, Honey Nut Cheerios with milk, some fruit, and coffee. Lunch, footlong veggie on wheat from Subway. Dinner, Lean Cusine (Balsamic Glazed Chicken w/ rice and veggies) , and a huge salad with low fat italian dressing. Then I got an individual sized container of apple pie ice cream, only 190 calories and totally worth it. That brought my calories for the day to, 1315. Then, that night. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I was craving pizza so I got smart ones mini pizza, 300 calories, had the top of a muffin probably like another 300 calories, then some more chex mix! I hate chex mix I don't know why I ate so much of it this weekend. All that probably brought my calories up to like 2100 or something. I am so mad. But this happenes. There is no explanation. Its hard when I'm not home, or in a place with 100% healthy choices. I know it's wrong, but I do it anyway.
          Today is a new day. I feel crappy, so I am doing my raw day. Fruit for breakfast with coffee and some toast. Salad for lunch, and a very small dinner with extra veggies. This is how I help my body get back on track after my 2 days of bliss. Back to buisness! I'm actually excited to feel better. Eating unhealthy is fun when it happens, but afterwards It helps me rememebr how shitty I used to feel, and how much feeling good about what you eat, and how you feel is so important, another lesson learned, and another weekend behind me. So happy to be getting back on track!

Making some serious changes.

        I am a facebook addict, there, I admitted it. Well I'm happy to finally say I have deleted my account! I did this for several reasons;

1. I am sitting on my butt too much cause of it.
2. I waste my time.
3. I need to work harder on school, and it distracts me.
4. It's not healthy from me to be sitting on the computer for so long everyday, I need to move!
5. I causes drama.

       So that is that :)

        Anyway, I have been doing great with my healthy eating. I did have acouple bad weeks because I went back to school and started a new job. I am so happy everything is back on track.  My main issue now is finding time to workout! I am so busy all day. I am up around 7:30am everyday, work till I have school and Im in school till around 9. When I get off school I just want to come home and sleep. This is a major problem. I want to get some more workout tools for my house and maybe cancel my gym membership? It's a big decision!
        I have been feeling really happy latley, which I think is helping a lot with my healthy eating. I love when things go great for me, it allows me to just focus 100% on my change. When I have a bad day or week, it's really hard or me to balance everything. I have really been trying to think about why I am eating when I am eating it. If I go to the pantry or fridge I always ask myself if I am really hungry or if I'm just upset. This has helped me a lot latley. Now, in my food journal I write a relection for the day.
        My weigh in was today, I lost another 2 pounds! I will update after the weekend!

Trade in the bad, for good :)

        I love going out to eat. I love being with my family and friends and enjoying good food. I knew when I started my change, eating at resturants would be difficult. However, it turned out to be rather simple. I wanted to share this tip right in the beginning, because I know a major myth about changing your life-style is, you can no longer go out to eat, or grab a quick bite between classes or get your favorite drink from starbucks-NOT TRUE! You just have to do your research.
        I have not found one resturant that I enjoy to not have their calories posted somewhere online. My tip is, PLAN. Before you go out, just go online, look at the menu, pick what you want to have and check the calories of that item. I have put together a list of my favorite places to eat, or to just grab a drink. I looked up what I used to eat there, and the calories and what I eat now and the calories. I want to show how much healthier you can eat if  you trade in the bad for the good. This is one of the best things you can do so you can still enjoy yourself, eat what you want, and stick to your change! Here are just a few examples-

Dunkin Dounts-
Traded a- Medium Vanilla Iced Coffee, light with cream and two sugars (300 cals)
for a - Medium Iced Coffee, light with milk and one splenda (50 cals)
Saves- 250 cals.

Traded a- Bacon, Egg, and Cheese on a plain bagel (510 cals)
for a - Eggwhite and Cheese on an english muffin (270 cals)
Saves- 240 cals.

Starbucks-
Traded a- Grande Caramel Frap (390 cals)
for a - Grande Iced Green Tea, sweetened (80 cals)
Saves-310 cals.

Mcdonalds-
Traded a- Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese & fries (890 cals.)
for a - Caesar salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette (260 cals)
Saves-630 cals.

Traded- Two Chocolate chips Cookies (320 cals)
for a-Fruit and Walnuts Salad (210 cals)
Saves- 110 cals.

Panera-
Traded a- Bacon Turkery Bravo w/ Chips (990 cals.)
for a- BBQ chopped chicken salad W/out Tortia strips, W/ bread on the side (540 cals)
Saves-450 cals

Applebees-
Traded an- Apple Walnut Chicken Salad  (1000 cals.)
for an- Asiago Peppercorn steak W/Veggies and Potatoes (390 cals)
Saves-610 cals.

Chilies-
Traded a- BBQ Girlled Chicken Salad (1050 cals)
for a- Guiltless Caribbean Salad  (550 cals.)
Saves-500 cals.

Ruby Tuesday-
Traded a- Chicken and Broccoli Pasta  (1560 cals.)
for- BBQ Chicken W/ White Cheddar Mashed Potatoes and Broccoli (550 cals)
Saves-1010 cals.


        As you can see, you can still eat at the same places you love, just A LOT healthier. I hope this inspires you to really look at what you are eating, especailly if you are trying to make changes for your health.

What I am doing about it.

        If there is one thing I have learned in the past 11 years about myself and my weight issue, it's that I cannot force myself to do anything I am not truly ready to do. I knew 100% I was ready to lose my weight and I quickly figured out a program for myself. I gathered all the information I had learned about food, calories, healthy-living, and excersise over the years and on Febuary 18, 2010 I wrote in my food dairy for the first time. I wrote out what I ate at my meals, how many calories they were, what I did for excersise that day, and how much water I drank. 1810 calories, 30 minutes on the tredmill and 7 bottles of water. After repeating this day 7 times, by the end of my first week I had lost 4 pounds. I could not beleive it. I knew this would work and I needed to continue.
        The second week on my plan, I lost 5.4 pounds. That made my total loss for a two week period 9.4 pounds. I was so mad at myself. I thought, if this was all I had to do why did I wait so long. I remember crying. Crying for joy because I had lost nearly 10 pounds, and also crying because I knew I could have done this sooner. The third week I did the same exact meal plan and excerise, but only lost 1 pound. I was happy. I knew that if I lost a lot more in such a short amount of time I would give up for being to successful. Thats just how werid I am, I guess.
        By a month or two into my plan I realized how truly difficult changing your life-style is. Something as simple as drinking a beverage other than water would ruin my whole day. This became a job. I had to count my calories, only eat 1600 a day (give or take a few), make time to workout in my already filled up schedule, if I was going to be eating anywhere other than home, figure out what I would eat, look it up online and make sure it would fit into my day, and get enough sleep. Just thinking about it all at once makes my head hurt! Then, I really wasn't angry at myself anymore. I knew why all my diets had failed before, I just wasn't in the right place in my life yet. I didn't have the time management skills, sense of responsibilty, and the will-power yet to actually achieve something so great.
        7 months later I am still following the same basic plan. I have had some really bad days, even weeks and months. There have been times I went out to dinner and made huge mistakes. At the beginning of the summer I didn't lose a pound for over a month and a half. I will have an amazing day and totally ruin it with a binge at night. Yes, I have fucked up royally. However, I know that it's okay. You can't try to do this and except to be perfect, or I promise it will not work. You have to reflect on the situation and figure out why you made a bad choice. For example, I know that if I sit in my kitchen bored I will go and eat for no reason. So now, I don't sit in there unless I am eating a planned meal, talking to my family or doing homework. Changing your life like I did really makes you look at yourself and figure out a lot.
        The point of the matter is, you can be successful and still be human. You can hit major bumps in the road and keep going. It is what you have to do if you want to lose a significant amount of weight, make mistakes and learn.
    

A quick overveiw.

          "What is she eating?" "Is she active?" "This is a problem that should be adressed now rather than in her future." I could remember sitting in my doctors office at the young age of 8, listening to my doctor talk to my Mom about me, and my weight like I wasn't even in the room. All my negitive feelings about my body and the way I look began there. As I look back now, she was obviously just doing her job. However, her just doing her job made me feel really bad about myself. It is sad to think 11 years ago, when I was still a child, I was faced with the harsh realization that I was "fat" and I needed to change.  I could rememeber really not understanding what to do, or even understanding how I was different. I knew I didn't look like my two petite sisters, and that I no longer fit into the cute pajamas and back-to-school clothes at Kids-R-Us. I remember feeling like I wanted to be like them, but I didn't know how to be.
         Fast track a few years to my first few months in middle school and the torture I had to endure everyday by my peers and classmates, I definatly knew I was different. Unlike my 8 year old self, I began to understand what I could do to change it. For as long as I could rememeber from this point on I was always on a "diet."
         Diets don't work. That is something I am positive of now. Through-out the years, I have been on atleast a hundred "diets," South Beach, Atkins, Weight-Watchers On-Line, E-Diets, diet pills, seeing nutrishonists, a personal diet-consultant, starving myself ect... Nothing worked! I just gained and gained. I felt like something was wrong. I had gotten my sugar levels tested when I was 13 and again at 18. Both came back high. I am now on Medication for that. I also was discovered at 18 to have a vitamin D deficany, which my  endocrinologist says does have an effect on my metabolism. With both of my medical issuses squared away, I finally felt like this was my chance to lose the weight that I had accumulated over the past 11 years.
         I have been on my life-style change since Febuary. Along with constant activity, eating 1600 calories a day, and keeping a food journal daily I have lost about 45 pounds! I cannot express how proud I am of myself. For the first time EVER I have been able to do this on my own. When I started dropping the weight my first thoughts were, "I have to help other people just like me." This is why I am doing this blog. I want to help every single person who has struggled with there weight and feels trapped in a body that isn't theirs. You are going to read about my bad times, horrible times, great times and struggles. Yes I have lost 45 pounds, and wow has it been difficult, and wow do I have much more to lose! I will update this blog frequently with how my days go, how my weekly weigh-ins I have set up for myself go, and tips on anything I can think of to share. I can't wait to get started!