Since Wednesday I have lost 8.8 pounds. Yeah, this isn't some joke, I'm not dieing or anything. I haven't lost basically anything in 3 months. I think this happened for a couple of reasons-
I was VERY bloated when I came home from my vacation. Did I even mention on here yet that I went to Disney world last week? Well, I did. I had a great time but I ate absolutely horribly. Pizza, burgers, ice cream- all of those terrible foods. So, when I got back from vacation I weighed 182.2, yet again.
I wasn't going to talk about this on my blog- but I mean I have talked about more personal stuff right? You all know how much I weigh and when I get my period. So I guess this is on that level in some way.
My relationship of 5 and a half years ended on Thursday. After our vacation, it was kinda just, over. I am not going to get into details but I will say this. I felt this coming for months. Something changed and my fear of losing him was constantly on my mind. I was nervous and had anxiety about it for months. I had been holding onto what little we had left as tightly as I possibly could. I was drained and found myself very depressed this past month.. When it happened- I was devastated, obviously. I thought I was going to die. But after a couple of days of crying and stomach aches and not being able to eat- I finally was able too see what just happened to me as an adult and realize, I am going to be FINE and things happen for a reason.
Moving on- maybe this is why I dropped so much weight. Maybe not being able to eat for a couple days effected it, but I am back on track with my food and just keep losing. I am beginning to think my emotions of fear and depression really prevented me from losing weight. Maybe now that that is gone, my hard work is just paying off and my body was just ready to drop the weight I have been trying SO HARD to lose the past few months.
As of this morning I weigh 173.4 and I have lost a total of 121 pounds. Kind of crazy... This is what I have been wanting for months.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Living "skinny"
Wow- I haven't posted in quite some time. I needed a break to be honest. Blogging about my journey has really helped me. However, the time I was having during my last few posts was rough. The break from my blog helped me just clear my head. It was difficult for me to put into words what I was going through. I needed to just back away for a bit.
Let me just start of by saying- this title may be a little misleading. I am not skinny- nor do I particularly want to be. I am still sitting pretty at 178 pounds, I am still down a total of 116 pounds. Haven't lost- haven't gained. I am still a size 10/12 M/L. Nothing has really changed about me physically. But mentally, that is were most of my growth has taken place over the past month and a half. That was my roadblock, the worst one thus far. The mind is a tricky thing. It can totally screw you over at times, and others, make you feel perfect.
This post is called living skinny because that is how I feel inside. I am finally just accepting myself for my new size. It took a LONG time for my head to catch up with my changing, slimming body. I have learned so many new things. I have tiny fingers, my ribs stick out just like my sisters do. My hip bones stick out so much I can't even sleep on my belly anymore. When I make a surprised smile face, my collar bone practically pops out of my skin. I find myself constantly feeling my bones. That may be weird, but I have never seen/felt them before. It is all new. I don't have to worry about fitting in an airplane seat, or rides. I don't feel different anymore when I go shopping. I feel like a "normal" person. No body stares at me anymore. No body talks about my weight negatively. When I go to the doctor all I hear is how healthy I am as opposed too "you need to make some serious changes." It is all around the best feeling ever.
I think one of my main struggles also during the past few months has been accepting my new flaws. I was used to the old ones- but the ones I have now are all new. Yeah so, I have extra skin on my arms and thighs. I may have acquired a lot of new stretch marks too, but hey, no one is perfect! To me those are my marks of success, if someone doesn't like them, they shouldn't look at me. I like them. I have just learned to be proud of the way I look, I worked so damn hard for it.
I have also come to terms with the fact that this will never be over. I am not going to hit a number one day and be like "Yup, it's over!" It is an on going recovery. Unlike a drug addict or alcoholic who can rid their environment of the things they are tempted by, I cannot do that. Food is everywhere. ALL THE TIME. I have to make choices 5 to 6 times a day whether I am going to give into something I know I shouldn't have. That is ridiculously hard. However, I take pride in the fact I can sit in front of a cake and not eat it. I am so proud of myself for coming so far.
Basically, things have changed. I don't think of myself as someone who lost 116 pounds. I think of myself as just an average sized person. Which I know is hard for everyone who loses a significant amount of weight. It took forever, but I am here. I still want to lose some weight, but not much maybe another 20 pounds. Still working hard everyday! I am going to finish what I started or I will be so mad at myself- I know I can do it.
Let me just start of by saying- this title may be a little misleading. I am not skinny- nor do I particularly want to be. I am still sitting pretty at 178 pounds, I am still down a total of 116 pounds. Haven't lost- haven't gained. I am still a size 10/12 M/L. Nothing has really changed about me physically. But mentally, that is were most of my growth has taken place over the past month and a half. That was my roadblock, the worst one thus far. The mind is a tricky thing. It can totally screw you over at times, and others, make you feel perfect.
This post is called living skinny because that is how I feel inside. I am finally just accepting myself for my new size. It took a LONG time for my head to catch up with my changing, slimming body. I have learned so many new things. I have tiny fingers, my ribs stick out just like my sisters do. My hip bones stick out so much I can't even sleep on my belly anymore. When I make a surprised smile face, my collar bone practically pops out of my skin. I find myself constantly feeling my bones. That may be weird, but I have never seen/felt them before. It is all new. I don't have to worry about fitting in an airplane seat, or rides. I don't feel different anymore when I go shopping. I feel like a "normal" person. No body stares at me anymore. No body talks about my weight negatively. When I go to the doctor all I hear is how healthy I am as opposed too "you need to make some serious changes." It is all around the best feeling ever.
I think one of my main struggles also during the past few months has been accepting my new flaws. I was used to the old ones- but the ones I have now are all new. Yeah so, I have extra skin on my arms and thighs. I may have acquired a lot of new stretch marks too, but hey, no one is perfect! To me those are my marks of success, if someone doesn't like them, they shouldn't look at me. I like them. I have just learned to be proud of the way I look, I worked so damn hard for it.
I have also come to terms with the fact that this will never be over. I am not going to hit a number one day and be like "Yup, it's over!" It is an on going recovery. Unlike a drug addict or alcoholic who can rid their environment of the things they are tempted by, I cannot do that. Food is everywhere. ALL THE TIME. I have to make choices 5 to 6 times a day whether I am going to give into something I know I shouldn't have. That is ridiculously hard. However, I take pride in the fact I can sit in front of a cake and not eat it. I am so proud of myself for coming so far.
Basically, things have changed. I don't think of myself as someone who lost 116 pounds. I think of myself as just an average sized person. Which I know is hard for everyone who loses a significant amount of weight. It took forever, but I am here. I still want to lose some weight, but not much maybe another 20 pounds. Still working hard everyday! I am going to finish what I started or I will be so mad at myself- I know I can do it.
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