Living "skinny"

Wow- I haven't posted in quite some time. I needed a break to be honest. Blogging about my journey has really helped me. However, the time I was having during my last few posts was rough. The break from my blog helped me just clear my head. It was difficult for me to put into words what I was going through. I needed to just back away for a bit.

Let me just start of by saying- this title may be a little misleading. I am not skinny- nor do I particularly want to be. I am still sitting pretty at 178 pounds, I am still down a total of 116 pounds. Haven't lost- haven't gained. I am still a size 10/12 M/L. Nothing has really changed about me physically. But mentally, that is were most of my growth has taken place over the past month and a half. That was my roadblock, the worst one thus far. The mind is a tricky thing. It can totally screw you over at times, and others, make you feel perfect.

This post is called living skinny because that is how I feel inside. I am finally just accepting myself for my new size. It took a LONG time for my head to catch up with my changing, slimming body. I have learned so many new things. I have tiny fingers, my ribs stick out just like my sisters do. My hip bones stick out so much I can't even sleep on my belly anymore. When I make a surprised smile face, my collar bone practically pops out of my skin. I find myself constantly feeling my bones. That may be weird, but I have never seen/felt them before. It is all new. I don't have to worry about fitting in an airplane seat, or rides. I don't feel different anymore when I go shopping. I feel like a "normal" person. No body stares at me anymore. No body talks about my weight negatively. When I go to the doctor all I hear is how healthy I am as opposed too "you need to make some serious changes." It is all around the best feeling ever.

I think one of my main struggles also during the past few months has been accepting my new flaws. I was used to the old ones- but the ones I have now are all new. Yeah so, I have extra skin on my arms and thighs. I may have acquired a lot of new stretch marks too, but hey, no one is perfect! To me those are my marks of success, if someone doesn't like them, they shouldn't look at me. I like them.  I have just learned to be proud of the way I look, I worked so damn hard for it.

I have also come to terms with the fact that this will never be over. I am not going to hit a number one day and be like "Yup, it's over!" It is an on going recovery. Unlike a drug addict or alcoholic who can rid their environment of the things they are tempted by, I cannot do that. Food is everywhere. ALL THE TIME. I have to make choices 5 to 6 times a day whether I am going to give into something I know I shouldn't have. That is ridiculously hard. However, I take pride in the fact I can sit in front of a cake and not eat it. I am so proud of myself for coming so far.

Basically, things have changed. I don't think of myself as someone who lost 116 pounds. I think of myself as just an average sized person. Which I know is hard for everyone who loses a significant amount of weight. It took forever, but I am here. I still want to lose some weight, but not much maybe another 20 pounds. Still working hard everyday! I am going to finish what I started or I will be so mad at myself- I know I can do it.