Weigh in # 23 & month from hell.

So, because of my vertigo, my doctor told me not to workout until she finds out the cause of it. Therefore, other then light swimming and walking I didn't get any exercise this past week. I gained a half pound. That is a lot better than how I thought this week was going to turn out. At this point there is no way I'm going to lose this last 9 pounds by September 1st. I am really disappointed however, life sometimes gets in the way and I just have to move forward. I actually got a call today from the doctor. I went for an MRI so they could check my brain, to see if anything up there was causing the vertigo. They found nothing! Nothing is wrong with me. I am SO happy. The doctor said this just may come and go because of my concussion. I am glad it's nothing serious. It sucks that I'm going to have to deal with it, but she said if it is impossible for me to live with, she can prescribe me medication. We will see what happens.


Anyway, this past month has literally been the month from hell. I officially hate July. I have been soooooo stressed out. A lot of emotional things have been coming up and really making it difficult for me to focus and lose this weight. This obviously effected my loss a lot this month. I only lost about 3 pounds :( my average monthly loss is 6! I am so mad but I just have to move on. August is a new month, my last month of summer and I can't wait to just put July behind me and start fresh.

Support.

Being less than 10 pounds away from losing 100 pounds, I have been reflecting a lot on this year and a half long journey. So many things in my life have improved. One of those things has been my support system.

In the beginning of all this and even months before, I felt very alone. I pushed a lot of people away. I stopped talking and hanging out with all of my friends. I felt horrible about myself. I was embarrassed, felt disgusting and no longer had the energy to act like I was happy. I literally didn't leave the house unless it was necessary.

My turning point was a trip I went on in mid-February. I could barley fit in the airplane seat (which was mortifying), and I was forced to go out in public, among people. All I could remember from that trip was not wanted to do anything. I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. I knew at that moment this was not my life. I deserved so much better. I was missing out on so much, and I was only 19 year old.  I got back on February 15th and 3 days later I started this journey.

I will NEVER forgive myself for letting things get so out of hand. I will never forgive myself for pushing almost everyone I had in my life at the moment away. On the other hand, I couldn't be more proud of myself, for realizing I needed this change. For looking at myself very deeply and seeing what I was doing to my health. Some people are 50 by the time they realized what I did. Yes, some friends have gone, and I know I am to blame for that. But now have such an amazing group of people in my life. I have such a great team of support behind me, cheering my on at every moment, whether that moment is good or bad.

There are  few people that have been here for me through out this entire process. My mom, my sister, and Joe. Those 3 people are my rock. They never doubted me for a second. They listen to me, support me and are there to pick me up every time I fall. I will never be able to repay them for the gift they gave me. They are the reason I was able to handel all the struggles. They are the reason I lost this weight.

All I am saying is, if you feel the way I did a year and half ago, you are missing out on life. You are missing out on relationships, fun and feeling great about yourself. No body in this world deserves to feel the self hate, and loneliness I felt. However, you and ONLY you can make that realization.

I can honestly say I have never been this happy in my entire life. When you finally love yourself, you can start loving others with all your heart. That opens many doors, and makes every day worth it.

Weigh in #22 & worst news ever.

I lost 1.4 pounds this week. I am right on track to reach my 100 pound weight loss goal by September 1st, however, this may all change.

The past couple of weeks whenever I stand up I get very dizzy and lightheaded. The past few days it has gotten so bad. I basically black out when I stand up. I went to the doctor today and she diagnosed me with vertigo. I am being tested for a bunch of different stuff to see what is causing the vertigo. She told me I can't drive, go outside or even exercise until she finds out what is causing it. I cannot put into words how disappointed and upset I am. I don't think I can lose this weight by the time I wanted too now. I am so close to the finish line, I knew something would happen to me to mess it up. Nothing is EVER easy.

I am just going to try to stay as positive as I can. I am going to continue eating extremely healthy, will that be enough with no exercise? Absolutely not- but it is really the best I can do given the circumstances.

Before and After (so far!)

I was looking through pictures from last summer. My before picture was taken the beginning of July 2010. My after picture was taken last week. I cannot explain how amazing I feel when I actually see the differences. This wasn't even me at my heaviest. I had lost about 20 pounds before that picture was taken.  I thought it was very important to post although I am really embarrassed by my before picture. That is life and I have learned a new way of living. I am so happy.

Weigh in #21

I lost 2.2 pounds this week. I would normally be thrilled to have lost more than a pound and a half in a week but this week I'm not. The week after that time of the month I usually drop 3-4 pounds. I am depending on these big weeks to help me reach my 100 pound goal. This is very disappointing. Don't get me wrong- I am happy, but I would have been more happy if I just lost a little bit more. I know I didn't lose my big number this week because I am stressed. A lot of things keep happening, like one thing after the other that are just making me stress out. Hopefully the stress ends soon, my sleep goes back to normal and I can just reach this 100 pound goal. I think at this point it is safe to say, I am really going to have to put in 10 times more effort, although I do not know how to go about doing that, this is what I live and breathe.

I will pull this off.

Average?

Realizing how far I have come so far on my journey has been difficult for me. Up until recently I still looked at myself as a size 24 86.8 pounds ago. It has been very hard for my brain to catch up with my changes. For the past 11 years I can honestly say I didn't go a day without wondering what my life would be like if I was "skinny". I imagined so many things would happen for me and my life would be completely different...

Here is the reality of right now- nothing has really changed. People still treat me the same, I still act the same and do the same things. Some people say I am more outgoing and adventurous, but who wouldn't be after shedding the pounds equivalent to a tween!?
 For the first time EVER I look somewhat normal. The average size of women in America is a 14. I currently own and wear pant sizes 12 to 14. To me, that is just unheard of.
Me?
Average?
Rubbish!!! ... I am so happy my face is about to fall off.

How can my brain wrap around this so quickly? After being so heavy my whole life and finally losing almost all of the weight in 1 year and 5 months...I don't blame myself for still feeling like an obese person. However, I am officially taking the pressure off. If I really want to lose this last 13.2 pounds I have to start dealing with the problems I am facing emotionally. I have to clear my head . I am going to start reminding myself everyday that I wear a size 12 now. I am no longer the old me, I need to get with it! I want to be happy. I want things in my life to change. I want my expectations of my "skinny" life to become reality. I am going to work so hard to do so.

Average is perfect for me right now. However, in the long run, I seriously want to kick average in the butt.

Weigh in #20

I hit a minor bump this week. I have been so stressed out and upset that it cause that time of the month to come 4 days early. Therefore- I only lost a half pound this week. It is a little frustrating because all I want is to reach my 100 pound goal. However, it is a step in the right direction and I know I need to stay positive.

Yesterday I actually caught myself emotional eating. I had been upset all day long and I found myself searching the pantry and fridge for something sweet. I grabbed this box of pastries my mom bought and took a bite out of a chocolate eclair. I realized the second after I swallowed what I was doing. I was so mad at myself, however, that was the most upset and stressed I had felt in a VERY long time. I am just happy I had the willpower to stop after that one bite.

Putting this week behind me and I am moving forward. I am going to learn from my mistakes and do differently if there is a next time. I am so excited to see my results next week :) Live and learn!

You have to eat!

Lately I haven't had much to talk about on here. Things are going smoothly. I really have taken a step back. I have been browsing other weight loss blogs and talking to numerous people about losing. I am in such a great place. I am finally starting to be happy with my body. I find myself really stepping out of my comfort zone and just living. With that said, there is one thing I have noticed on a lot of these blogs that is getting to me!

Let me start off by saying this- I literally eat whatever I want. Friday I had BBQ chips, yesterday I had  a bagel with cream cheese, and today I am eating pasta salad. Now, let me make one thing clear. I had the serving size of all of the above and I think that is were most people get into trouble. When losing weight- you should be able to eat like normal humans. You just have to be more smart about it. Load up on fruits and veggies- make healthy choices your primary go to's. However- still eating "unhealthy" things are possible. Willpower and portion control are extremely important though.

I know a lot of people trying to lose weight eat nothing but plain chicken- steamed veggies- fruit and maybe some nuts. Just eating plain, boring stuff day after day is awful. Yes- you will lose weight, but sticking too it will be hard. For me, I have figured out a way to eat like a normal person- just more healthy. I wish I could tell everyone in the world how I do it, but I can't. I can't explain how I have gained all my willpower to only eat 12 chips instead of the whole bag. I can't explain how I still go out to restaurants and only order low calorie options. It is something that needs to be taught from within. Only you can teach yourself. There is hope though. I just really wanted to make that clear.