Feeling better.

Today was a MUCH better day, no odd cravings! :D
Yesturday got me thinking a lot. I am more mad at myself for getting mad then anything. Days like that happen to everyone, I let it effect me way to much. Oh well, live and learn right?

Today's entry,

Breakfast: Eggwhite & cheese on whole wheat
                Banana
                Coffee                        280

Lunch: Turkey & cheese on whole wheat
           Veggie chips
            Clementine                     330

Snack: Kellogs Fruit crisp bar     100

Dinner: 4 oz chicken
            Broccoli w/ a little melted cheddar
            rice                                 500

Dessert: Low-fat ice cream sandwhich      170

Total: 1380
Water: 80 oz
Workout: 30 minutes on the bike. 30 minutes of toneing (weights, and crunches ect..)

I am also so happy, another planet fitness is opening up like 10 minutes from my house. This is so exciting :)

Such an off day.

Today was BIZZARE. That's the best word I can use to describe it. I'm not really sure what is going on in my brain. I had a normal breakfast, normal snack, and lunch. I was super full after lunch too, I felt great. I was up to about 700 calories, right on point. THEN, about an hour after lunch, I starting craving the weirdest things. I wanted goldfish crackers, and like chocolate (NO, it is not that time of the month!) That is why I am treating this like a mystery...
Anyway, so at first I knew it was just a craving, but I could NOT ignore it. So, I had a handful of goldfish to take away the craving, however, it wouldn't go away. I fought it until like 5pm. After consuming 4, yes 4 bottles of water to try to curb my hunger and cravings. I gave in and had some more goldfish, I had cheezits, and a piece of dark chocolate. I'm so mad I could not fight these cravings. They are usually not that strong, so I am just over-all pissed. I had class tonight, so I ate when I got home. I was too tired to make anything, so I settled for a quick turkey sandwhich, cup of chicken noodle soup, and a peice of fruit. With all my little munchies through-out the day my calorie intake is really high, about 1850. I know I am taking this day by day, BUT I am really mad! I want to reach my goals more than anything! Having a day like this just will not do...

I know I am suppose to be positive, but fuck, sometimes this is REALLY hard! It is days like these that will really test a persons will-power to stay in the game. To be honest, I just feel like crying, but I will not, I am just going to go to bed, wake up tomrrow, hit the gym, and just forget today ever happened.

The aftermath

I woke up this morning and felt terrible. Thanksgiving was a blurr! I do not even want to talk about it. Food wise I did absolutly fine, it was just the dessert part that got me! Now that its been 24 hours since I feel so much better. My eating today was light. I needed to rebound from yesturday and just keep moving all day. I worked out for a good hour, and just keep busy cleaning and such around the house, and shopping. I feel great! I cannot wait for christmas but also can't wait for the month inbetween now and then to lose more weight!

Breakfast: Eggwhite omlette w/ cheddar cheese.
                Whole wheat toast
                 Clementine
                 Coffee                 TOTAL: 270

Lunch: 4oz turkey on whole wheat
           Celery & carrots w/ 2 tbps organic ranch
                                             TOTAL: 305

Snack: 30 Pistachios               160

Dinner: (Panera) 1/2 bbq chopped chicken salad
                          cup of french onion soup
                           multigrain bread
                                             TOTAL: 590

Snack: Apple w/ 2 tbps peanut butter
           5 whole wheat crackers
                                              TOTAL:340

TOTAL: 1665
Water: 80 oz

   

Happy!

Everything has been going so wonderfully. I feel fully on track with my eating. The working out part is another story. Im really going to be pushing myself. I want my total loss to be 70 pounds by Febuary 18th (that will be my one year). I feel so proud that I have not given up, I don't even care that I have had some horrible weeks, that fact that I have consistantly been losing, and NOT gaining any weight back just makes me smile. When I reach my goal on the 18th, that will mean I only have about 30 more to lose for my over-all goal loss of 100lbs. I want to reach that by July 1st. I know I will do it.

I wrote out a work out chart for myself. I wrote out each day of the month and figured out with my schedule what days I can definatly work out without a conflict. I know this will help me keep track better. With my eating back under control and my workout schedule I am super excited!

Here is my journal entry from yesturday 11/23/10:

Breakfast: Eggwhite and cheese on english muffin: 160
                Small clementine: 30
                Coffee: 50

Snack: 30 Pistachios: 160

Lunch: Mini Pizza: 300 cal
           Salad w/ 1 tbsp of ranch: 90
           Granola bar: 90

Snack: Bisquick Biscut (made in school! so good!) 160

Dinner: 4oz chicken w/ BBQ sauce 150
            Long grain rice 300
            Broccoli 50

Snack: 4 cups popcorn: 100
           Blueberries: 30

Late that night I got SOOOO hungry!
3/4 cup of special k w/ milk: 160

TOTAL: 1830
Water: 90oz
Workout: Pilates, 30 minute walk.

My late night snack made my caloire intake a little higher then normal, but I was starving for some reason. I think because it was a very long day, I was up early and went to bed late. It happens!

Entry from today 11/24/10

Breakfast: Eggwhite & chedder cheese omlette: 140
                Whole wheat toast sprinkled with cinnomon: 70
                Clementine: 30
                 Coffee: 45
TOTAL 285

Snack: 20 pistachios :100

Lunch: 4oz sliced chicken on whole wheat with lettuce, tomato, & sweet peppers: 280
           Veggie chips: 140
TOTAL: 420

Snack: Chocolate pudding in mini gram cracker crust: 180

Dinner: 8oz cup of chicken soup: 100
           Cranberry walnut salad with chicken: 450
TOTAL: 550

Snack: 3/4 cup apple cinnomon cheerios with milk: 150
           Blueberries: 30

TOTAL: 1715
Water: 84.5 oz

Beauty

What is beautiful?

That question is very difficult to answer. I find a lot of things and people beautiful. Women and men may define beauty differently, people of different ages too. One thing I cannot stand is what the media potrays as beautiful. Latley, I have noticed watching t.v or flipping through magazines everyone looks the same. There is no diversity in the way people look. The same body types, same hair, same make-up styles. Im not getting it!

I saw this Dove video about 2 years ago, it always stuck with me because this is what everyday people, and young kids are looking at, and trying to be...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

That women was beautiful to begin with. They made her look completely different. That final image is what young girls are seeing, and saying I want to look just like her, a computer made person. This is why there are so many young girl and boys and even people who are older have so many body image issues. They are striving to look a certain way that is impossible. What kills me the most is, this is acceptable. Magazines put out a new issue monthly, and no one is saying, HEY, you are screwing with everyone who reads this. Don't even get me started on plus-size people in the media, that is a whole other issue. Unless a bigger person is funny, and the butt of all jokes on a t.v show or movie, you will not see one.

Something needs to change! People are evolving, and the media should too. The average size of a women in  america is a size 14. Plus size model's sizes start at a size 6. Does anyone else see something not adding up? I could go on forever about this topic because it just bothers me so much. It's not far that someone like me, has to be looked at as different just because of my size, or any other person for any other reason. I hate the media.

Holiday Game Plan

            With the holidays coming up, I can honestly say I'm nervous. It makes me so mad because I want to lose this weight more than anything, I know that, but I'm going to be faced with a lot of challenges. I mean, stuffing, pies, christmas cookies, hot chocolate. Should I miss out on my favorite holiday foods? Is it going to make my holiday season less enjoyable if I am stuck between healthy and non-heathly? This is going to be the hardest time so far for me and my weight loss.
             When I was going to a nutritionist about 5 years ago it was around the holidays, she said have a plan going in. Instead of eating and then writing it in your journal at the end of the day, write what you will eat for the whole day before it even starts. This way, you feel more in control. I think this is the best way to go about doing this for me. I know exactly what I am going to eat on thanksgiving, and it's 4 days away! Of course I know I will have an extra spoonful of something maybe I didn't plan on, but hey, whatever!
              I think I have come to the conclusion that the holidays should be a time of fun. This year, unlike every other year I am going to take the pessure off myself. I am going to stick to my healthy eating, and if a cookie comes into the mix, or a yummy cup of hot coco, I am not going to sweat it. I know I just need to keep a level head, and enjoy myself. Worrying about it and denying myself yummy holiday treats will make me eat more! Like I have said before, I am just werid like that. Also, on the big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas I am not going to count calories. I will just eat what I have planned, and just for those two days not worry about it. I think I deserve it :) It will be like a gift to myself.

As for the present, I have been in an emotional hole the past week or so. My eating has reflected that. Today I am going to be geting back on track. The weekend was horrific. I didn't gain weight, but I feel like shit. So here is my plan for today:

Breakfast: Yogurt- 90cal
                 Berries- 45 cal
                 1 slice whole wheat toast- 35 cal
                 Coffee- 50 cal
TOTAL: 220 cal.

Lunch: Turkey & Cheese on Whole wheat: 160
            Huge salad w/ low calorie italian dressing: 50
            Granola bar: 90
TOTAL: 300

Snack: Large grapefruit: 100
           Whole wheat crackers: 70
TOTAL: 170

Dinner: 8 oz Grilled eggplant: 65
            Brown rice: 220
            Broccoli: 45
TOTAL: 330

Snack: Apple w/ peanut butter: 270

Total calories: 1300
Water: 85oz
Workout: 1 hour walking on tredmill, pilates.

It doesn't seem like a lot of calories, however, I picked high fiber foods to keep me feeling full. This plan always helps me get my mind and body back to eating the way I should!

When I am skinny.

When I am skinny I won't get made fun of.
When I am skinny I won't be hated.
When I am skinny I won't be disgusting.
When I am skinny I can start having fun.
When I am skinny I will find a boyfriend
When I am skinny I will have a lot of friends.
When I am skinny I will be popular.
When I am skinny I can start wearing cute clothes.
When I am skinny I won't stand out from my sisters.
When I am skinny I won't think everytime someone laughs in public or at school, it's at me.
When I am skinny I will be a better person.
When I am skinny I won't be sad anymore.
When I am skinny I will be able to look at myself and not want to be someone else.
When I am skinny I won't think everyone thinks I am gross.
When I am skinny I will be beautiful.
When I am skinny I can go out and feel comfortable.
When I am skinny I won't want to die.
When I am skinny I will be able to live my life,
I am SICK of waiting.


As I was looking through my old journals. I found that. It is from June 10, 2005. I was 14 years old.
I  have not looked at it since I wrote it. I remember feeling all those things, but actually seeing it on paper made me break down in tears. Not only because of how horrible this is, and how much pressure I put on myself to lose weight, but the fact there are thousand of young girls and boys out there that feel that same exact way. I cannot handel that fact that other people feel this way, it breaks my heart.
If I could go back 6 years and tell myself something it would be that I was going to be fine, and the weight did not define me. Nobody should EVER have to feel this way. That is why people in general should be more excepting of others, no matter what. You do not want to be the reason someone feels this horrible about themselves.
I wish I never felt this way, however, it's just more motivation. Not because what I wrote when I was 14 was true at all, just because now I know I am losing weight for ME. I am losing weight to be healthy and no other reason. I was at the point when I started this (and still am) that I am happy with myself, and my life. This journey is mine.

Marathon Man!

I had a very busy weekend, I went to Arizona! I had an amazing time, the weather was so beautiful! I did SO much walking. My sisters apartment in around everything, so we walked everywhere. I would estimate that I walked, probably 6 miles in total. So, over this weekend get away, I didn't worry about not working out. Food wise, I did ok. I really stuck to healthy options. It was just difficult on the way home. On the plane there really was nothing healthy, so I had a bag of chips, and brought a bagel on the plane. Luckly, I didn't gain a thing. I didn't lose either, which was kind of a disappionment. However, I know I will bounce back :)

I will be going back to Arizona in April to participate in my first marathon! I am so excited. I know training for this will keep my weight loss more consistant. I'm going to have to change my entire workout, and work very hard. Running in a marathon has always interested me, and I know for the first time I can really work hard to train for it, and succedd. I cannot wait to see the effect the training has on my body and my stamina. I get so excited thinking about it!!

Now that I am back home, today I really focused on getting my eating back to normal. Here is my entry for the day:

Breakfast-  Egg white & cheese on whole wheat bagel thin- 170 cal
                  Blueberries-30 cal
                  Coffee- 60cal
TOTAL- 260

Lunch- Broccoli & cheese soup from panera- 290
            Bread- 140
TOTAL- 430

Snack- Crackers- 140
            String cheese- 60
TOTAL- 200

Dinner- 4oz peice of chicken parm (not breaded, with fresh mozzeralla) 180.
             Whole grain brown rice- 220
              Big salad-50
TOTAL- 450

Dessert- Ice cream cake (for dad's bday celebration!) 230

Total for day- 1570
Water- 86 oz.
Exercise- 1 hour at gym, 40 minutes of cardio, 20 minutes of toning.

Such a good day calories wise, I should have had more fruit though. I will make that my snack later on!

Weekend from food HELL.

This past weekend was really fun. Saturday I went to a first birthday party. Sunday I went to a retirment dinner fancy thing. All was great, excpet my eating. I have not mastered this yet. Trying to stick to healthy options when there really is none? UGH! I think I did okay for the position I was in, but looking back I could have done better.

First birthday party-
I drank nothing but water.
I had a peice of bread.
Half my plate was salad/a scoop of ziti/one peice of chicken parm(about 5oz)
CAKE. OH MY GOSH WAS IT AMAZING. Going in I was planning on skipping the cake. However, someone there made this gorgeous 3 layers teddy bear cake. I could NOT resist. It was worth it too. White cake with cinnamon and sugar cream cheese icing :).

Overall, I think I did okay. For the party setting I was in, I think I kept a level head.

Retirment Party-
Drank nothing but water.
Had 2 peices of bread.
Salad
Had steak (about 8oz)/Potatoes/Veggies
Chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream.

Now, what was interesting about this was the following: It was a super nice sit down dinner at a country club. There were no other options other then what was served. I could have only eaten about half the steak, and half the cake. Looking back now I wish I had done that.

This got me thinking. In all situations, can you really stick to full on healthy eating? The answer... NO!
That is why when you are really trying this for the long run, you need to understand, you are going to fuck up, and life does get in the way. That is why you just have to accept what happens, and do better the next day. I only gained a pound over the weekend. I know that will be easy to burn off  :)

Until next time <3

November already?

WOW. It is already November? Where does the time go? I feel like I just started the semester, before I knew it, I'm done with this semester in about a month! This have been going AMAZING with my weight loss. My plan was to lose another 6 pounds because I go to Arizona on the 11th. I have lost about 4, and have another week to lose 2! Im in great shape for reaching my goal. I have found a lot of motivation in complements  lately. A lot of people have been noticing my weight loss. It is amazing to have your hard work noticed. It just motivates me to keep going, because I know everyone is supporting me.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my over-all goal. I really haven't thought about it until now, because I am more then half way there. Im thinking the best thing to do is give myself a deadline. I have about 40 more pounds I want to lose, and I think I want to reach that goal by may 2011. I think that is totally reachable, and not a crazy goal. I considered the holidays coming up, and I defiantly do not want to set myself up for failure.

Another thing I want to start looking into is helping people just like me. When I first starting succeeding at this whole weight loss thing, my first thoughts were, I need to help everyone do this who wants too. I want to show everyday people like me, that just with simple live style changes, you can do this too!

Here is what I ate today:

Breakfast- Egg whites & cheese on whole wheat toast: 160
                 Small banana: 65
                 Coffee: 50            TOTAL: 275

Lunch- Lean cuisine- 280
             Salad: 100
                                               TOTAL: 380

Snack- Watermelon: 40
            Crackers & Cheese: 140
                                              TOTAL: 180

Dinner- Salad with chicken & 1 slice pizza: 500ish

Snack- Yogurt and fruit: 140

TOTAL FOR DAY: ABOUT 1500.
Workout: 30 minutes on treadmill & palates.