It's been forever ...

This is definetly the longest I've gone without writing on this blog. I think I mentioned last post that I started a full time teaching job. Well I started in late August and it took up until recently for me to adjust. I've never had a full time job before. I do love it although it leaves me very little time to workout, focus on healthy eating ect... I'm sure everyone who works full time can relate to this! Within the past 2 weeks or so I've been coming up with a system and being very conscious of what I'm eating. That was all put on the back burner when I started my new job. 

In terms of my weight, still 177! Hey at least I know I'll be good at maintaining once I get down to 155. Like always my eating is fine. It's just finding time to work out. It's been a trend as you know if you have been following my blog. My 3 year mark is February 18 and I am determined to reach that goal by then. 140 pound loss in 3 years sounds perfect. Just trying to get myself fully back on track and manage what little time I have to get to the gym! I'm feeling very motivated which I haven't in a while. I will be posting again very soon and will start posting my weigh ins again. That was a huge help :) 

Oh life.

The average woman in 2012 is 5'4, weighs 164 pounds, and is a size 14.

I am 5'5, weigh 176 pounds, and am a size 10/12. So, I think it is safe to say that I have accomplished what I wanted over 2 and a half years ago. I am normal. I know I have talked about that more than once. However, if you were in my shoes, I think you would understand how hard it is to accept.

Much has happened in the almost month I haven't posted. My life was completely flipped upside down to say the  least. I went from not eating, and dropping 8.8 pounds in a week to basically stuffing my face. Breakups are hard, and this being my first one- I just sort of went with the flow. I was surprised at my body's reaction to the stress and sadness. Again, not eating for 4 days is something I would have never thought I would do, my life revolves around food. When I was finally able to eat, I wanted to REALLY eat. It was not emotional eating, I recognized that very quickly. I was just, hungry, all day. I didn't go crazy, I just allowed myself to eat what I wanted and when I wanted it. I put on about 3 pounds. No big deal, that was going to happen anyway after my crazy weight loss. Right now I am in a good place. I am fine. I am actually better than fine, I am great. Yes, this past month or so has been a roller coaster of depression and stress, but at the same time, I have never been so happy. It is crazy that once you are taken out of a situation, the amount of things you realize and discover, and the people you meet.

Has my weight loss been my number one priority? No. I am okay with that though. I feel so comfortable and for the first time, 100% okay with my size and the way I look. That in itself is a tiny success in my never ending journey. I do not feel fat anymore, ever. That's nuts. I am beginning to learn my limits, and I am keeping myself in check all day, everyday. I know what I can eat and can't. It isn't even anything I need to think about, I just do it. I am also maintaing this 175-177ish weight which for me, is fine for now.

I will finish what I started. I will reach my 155 pound goal. It is just a matter of when. I am trying to figuring out my new life right now, I am re- assessing my priorities, and getting ready to start teaching full time in August, which is going to be a huge adjustment.  I have said this from the beginning, life gets in the way. This was going to be my summer to reach my ultimate goal. Did I plan on doing so while going through a break up? No. I am not going to be hard on myself this time. For just this once, I need to focus on stuff going on in my head. When I am ready, it will happen. Don't lose faith in me- because surprisingly, I haven't lost it in myself.

Here is another before and after.
The before was last June, I weighed about 212lbs, and the after was yesterday. Crazy what a year can do...!

121

Since Wednesday I have lost 8.8 pounds. Yeah, this isn't some joke, I'm not dieing or anything. I haven't lost basically anything in 3 months. I think this happened for a couple of reasons-

I was VERY bloated when I came home from my vacation. Did I even mention on here yet that I went to Disney world last week? Well, I did. I had a great time but I ate absolutely horribly. Pizza, burgers, ice cream- all of those terrible foods. So, when I got back from vacation I weighed 182.2, yet again.

I wasn't going to talk about this on my blog- but I mean I have talked about more personal stuff right? You all know how much I weigh and when I get my period. So I guess this is on that level in some way.

My relationship of 5 and a half years ended on Thursday. After our vacation, it was kinda just, over. I am not going to get into details but I will say this. I felt this coming for months. Something changed and my fear of losing him was constantly on my mind. I was nervous and had anxiety about it for months. I had been holding onto what little we had left as tightly as I possibly could. I was drained and found myself very depressed this past month.. When it happened- I was devastated, obviously. I thought I was going to die. But after a couple of days of crying and stomach aches and not being able to eat- I finally was able too see what just happened to me as an adult and realize, I am going to be FINE and things happen for a reason.

Moving on- maybe this is why I dropped so much weight. Maybe not being able to eat for a couple days effected it, but I am back on track with my food and just keep losing. I am beginning to think my emotions of fear and depression really prevented me from losing weight. Maybe now that that is gone, my hard work is just paying off and my body was just ready to drop the weight I have been trying SO HARD to lose the past few months.

As of this morning I weigh 173.4 and I have lost a total of 121 pounds. Kind of crazy... This is what I have been wanting for months.

Living "skinny"

Wow- I haven't posted in quite some time. I needed a break to be honest. Blogging about my journey has really helped me. However, the time I was having during my last few posts was rough. The break from my blog helped me just clear my head. It was difficult for me to put into words what I was going through. I needed to just back away for a bit.

Let me just start of by saying- this title may be a little misleading. I am not skinny- nor do I particularly want to be. I am still sitting pretty at 178 pounds, I am still down a total of 116 pounds. Haven't lost- haven't gained. I am still a size 10/12 M/L. Nothing has really changed about me physically. But mentally, that is were most of my growth has taken place over the past month and a half. That was my roadblock, the worst one thus far. The mind is a tricky thing. It can totally screw you over at times, and others, make you feel perfect.

This post is called living skinny because that is how I feel inside. I am finally just accepting myself for my new size. It took a LONG time for my head to catch up with my changing, slimming body. I have learned so many new things. I have tiny fingers, my ribs stick out just like my sisters do. My hip bones stick out so much I can't even sleep on my belly anymore. When I make a surprised smile face, my collar bone practically pops out of my skin. I find myself constantly feeling my bones. That may be weird, but I have never seen/felt them before. It is all new. I don't have to worry about fitting in an airplane seat, or rides. I don't feel different anymore when I go shopping. I feel like a "normal" person. No body stares at me anymore. No body talks about my weight negatively. When I go to the doctor all I hear is how healthy I am as opposed too "you need to make some serious changes." It is all around the best feeling ever.

I think one of my main struggles also during the past few months has been accepting my new flaws. I was used to the old ones- but the ones I have now are all new. Yeah so, I have extra skin on my arms and thighs. I may have acquired a lot of new stretch marks too, but hey, no one is perfect! To me those are my marks of success, if someone doesn't like them, they shouldn't look at me. I like them.  I have just learned to be proud of the way I look, I worked so damn hard for it.

I have also come to terms with the fact that this will never be over. I am not going to hit a number one day and be like "Yup, it's over!" It is an on going recovery. Unlike a drug addict or alcoholic who can rid their environment of the things they are tempted by, I cannot do that. Food is everywhere. ALL THE TIME. I have to make choices 5 to 6 times a day whether I am going to give into something I know I shouldn't have. That is ridiculously hard. However, I take pride in the fact I can sit in front of a cake and not eat it. I am so proud of myself for coming so far.

Basically, things have changed. I don't think of myself as someone who lost 116 pounds. I think of myself as just an average sized person. Which I know is hard for everyone who loses a significant amount of weight. It took forever, but I am here. I still want to lose some weight, but not much maybe another 20 pounds. Still working hard everyday! I am going to finish what I started or I will be so mad at myself- I know I can do it.

Over!

I kept up on my "starting fresh" mentality all week. I did wonderful with my eating, some normal slip ups. I was able to work out twice. Unfortunately, no results this week on the scale. That is totally fine with me. IT HAPPENS. All I can do is move forward. I know why I didn't lose weight this week. It was finals week! My last week of college :) I am graduating with my early childhood degree and could not be more happy. Although there were no results this week, I accomplished something awesome in another area of my life. I cannot wait to start teaching preschool, it is something I adore to do, and makes me very happy. Now that school is over, I am focusing 100 percent on this. I feel like I haven't been able to since the semester began. I am SO excited to see what happens. I am expecting some awesome numbers in the weeks to come. I will just put it this way, June of last year, I lost 10 pounds! 10 pounds in that month after my semester ended. My expectations for myself are high, I know I can do it, I have done it before. I feel wonderful and anxious, I am in a great place :)

I found this and wanted to share:

 

I wanted to give up so many times over this extremely difficult semester, but I didn't- I just kept going. Although I didn't lose that much, only about 6 pounds it is something and I am proud of myself.

ALWAYS THINK POSITIVE.

Starting fresh pays off.

I knew just simply starting over completely would help me get back on track. I didn't feel like I was struggling anymore, everything came easy to me this week. Finally, after 3 stressful, tiring weeks, I have lost 2.6 of the 3.6 pounds I had gained. I am back down to 178.4, less than a pound away from my smallest ever. I have lost 116 pounds, 116 pounds? Crazy. I sometimes do not understand how I did this. I am still surprised everyday by my determination and the support of not only my family and amazing friends, but complete strangers. I feel healthy again. Light and beautiful. 3 weeks of feeling bloated and uncomfortable, and now everyone is noticing. In the 2 hours I was at school on Monday, 3 people asked if I lost more weight. The answer was happily yes. I am confident again, which I have learned is the secret weapon in losing weight. If you are confident in yourself and abilities, you will lose weight. Things are COMPLETELY back on track. I am just so anxious to see next weeks results. I'm thinking sooner than I realized I will see my goal weight, 154 on the scale. That will be the proudest moment of my life. I cannot wait until these years of hard work finally pay off. I am sitting here in size 10 jeans, a large top that is too big, and a huge smile on my face. I cannot put into words how happy I am that my rut is over! LOVEEEEE ITTTT!!!

Turning point- a positive one.

First and foremost, I want to apologize to the people who read my blog weekly. I have neglected to think about you through all of my struggles. I will just put it this way. Losing weight is the hardest thing in the world to do. Especially when you lose over 115 pounds and you still do not feel like you did yourself any good. The past few months have been an absolute roller-coaster to say the least. I am struggling. My mind and my motivation and my drive are all over the place currently. I feel like I have hit an emotional road block in all of this. I weigh 181 pounds. I want to weigh 154 pounds. How do I get there? I used to weigh 294 pounds. I of all people know the answer. Something is holding me back.

The stress of this last semester has been through the roof. I have never worked so hard, or put in so much time and effort into something (other than this of course). I was so stressed the first 2 days of my head teaching week, my heart was pounding out of my chest all day and I literally had to calm down, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I have been so preoccupied with school I have made horrible choices. Choices I used to make, choices that made me so unhealthy and unhappy.

I know as of lately my post have been all over the place. One day I am all upset and annoyed, a week later I am so happy, and back on track. Well that has literally been the deal now for about a month. I am mentally exhausted from thinking about lose weight constantly. I am in the worst place I have been thus far. 

I need to do SOMETHING. I am not happy. I have put on a little less than 4 pounds. Everyone keeps telling me, that's okay, it happens! Well not to me, that is not okay with me. It is one thing to gain a pound or two because I am bloated from my period, or had a rough week but get right back on track. This is different. I have gained this weight because I am so far off my the plan I worked hard to create for myself. I gained these 4 pounds because I consumed the extra calories without burning them off. It is simple.

Like I said before, I know my post have been all over the place. I have clearly taken some time off. I needed it. It is EXHAUSTING to do this every week. Not that I am complaining. I am happy what this journey has brought me, and I wouldn't change anything. But, oh my god this is hard. I have taken the past few weeks to really figure out what I need to do. The answer came clear to me last night, and that is why I feel ready to post about it.

I was going through some old clothes and found my junior prom dress. When I went to junior prom my weight was 230 pounds, I was a size 16. I tried it on. It fell right off. How many people can say something they wore when they were 16 years old is now too big on them? ME! Anyway, then I thought about my senior prom dress. When I went to that prom, just one year later, my weight ballooned too 277 pounds and my dress was a size 22. I went from a size 16 to a 22 in a year. How did I do that to myself? Why did I think that was okay? I may have only put on 4 little pounds, but my heart sank when I made this connection. I will gain weight if I do not stay on track. I am a size 10/12 right now. In a year if I do not figure this out, I could be back up to a size 22, who knows? I am better than that. I worked WAY to hard to let myself get back in that dark terrible place. I need to reach my goal for myself. This is what I am meant to do. I can do it. 

I am starting over. Literally. All the starting out tips I tell everyone, well I am going to practice what I preach. That is how I will get out of this rut. I am starting over. All the small changes I made 2 years and 3 months ago to start this journey, I am going to repeat. That is what I know and what I know will work for me. 

I hope everyone understands why I am having such a terrible struggle. Hang in there with me, I am pretty sure after the dress discovery, this is going to be the turning point for me. Also the fact that in 2 weeks, I am officially be graduated from college and will have my degree in early childhood education. I appreciate your support now and always. I will make myself and all of your proud again, soon enough :)

AH!

Alright, where should I start?!

SO, this past week was my head teaching week at school, and I will just cut to the chase.. I fell of the track completely. I was so stressed and overwhelmed food and my workouts where the LAST thing on my mind. I skipped my weigh in to keep my sanity. I thought this was extremely fair. This, being year 3 of my journey, I have not skipped a weigh in yet. I deserved to not worry about it for just one week, right? Also, for the recored, I kicked total ass during my head teaching week. I did great and I am so happy.

Well, that ended this past Friday and I already feel better. I went for a lovely walk/jog yesterday morning, and plan on doing the same this afternoon. I kind of think getting off track was a positive thing. I felt horrible and disgusting and bloated all week from my lack of clean eating. It was a reminder of how truly AWFUL I used to feel. That was the motivation I needed. I am SO happy right now, because in my gut (the shrunken one) I feel it. I know that was the reality check I needed. I feel more motivated than ever to do my best at this.

I am sitting here right now in an adorable summer dress, pretty short I might add, showing off some in much need of a tan skin. I love it. I love that it is warm out and I am not worrying about covering up my body. I love that I am going to walk outside in a few minutes and feel the warmth of the sun on my legs and arms. This is such a great feeling.  I know it sounds silly, but to me, this is all so new.

I am excited for my weigh in on wednesday!

That didn't work-

Okay so, the whole weight watchers thing did not work for me.

I think it is great. I think it works, it is helpful towards weight loss, and can help and has helped so so many people get healthy. I have nothing against it. For me, it was just way more work than my original method. I also found myself eating way more processed foods then I normally do. It was annoying to learn a whole new system of tracking what I eat, when I can look at something at this point and tell you how many calories are in it. It was hard for me to track what I was eating all day on the computer when I'm old school and the only computer or internet access I have is on my desk top computer at home.  I don't think it really works for someone like me. Someone who lost so much weight on their own, you know? I did learn a lot, and I feel like it gave me a jolt. It showed me that what I was doing was working and it is what's best for me. I joined it because I wanted a change, well I got that change. It wasn't the best change. I am more confident then ever that I just need to do what I was doing. My own original weight loss program is what I can live with and maintain for the rest of my life. I do not see myself being a lifetime weight watchers member.

I think it is great for people who want to start losing weight, not continue a huge life style change. I am just too set in my ways at this point. I am sad it didn't work out, but I am happy I tried something new.

Moving forward, I have been doing lots of research and looking back at old journals. I am pretty sure I found the problem that caused my huge plateau. I am going to try out a couple new things in the upcoming weeks and see what happens. My next step is, if in the next couple months my weight loss is still super slow, I am going to get a trainer.

These last 23 pounds will be the death of me! However, I am staying positive and I am excited :)

This week...

This week was no walk in the park. It is getting to the point in the semester again when all I am doing is homework and freaking out. Not ideal conditions for losing your last 23 pounds. I gained  0.4 pounds. I wasn't surprised. Stressed, exhausted, getting my period and not eating like I should be- I'm surprised I didn't gain more to be honest. I have had so many of these weeks throughout my journey. Those weeks that YOU take a back seat to what you going on around you. It happens, there is no way to avoid it. I just do my best to get RIGHT back on track as soon as I can. I never let it discourage me, because it truly is. I am SO close to reaching my ultimate 154.4 pound goal. If I had 3 months and nothing else on my plate, I would just get it done. Unfortunately, that is not the case and it never will be. So far this week has been good. I got my period last night, so hopefully my results this week are not effected by it. We will see :) ALWAYS look forward, never back.

I have never been so happy.

Yay!

FINALLY!!

My first week on weight watchers was a complete success! I lost 1.8 pounds. That brings my total loss to 116.6 pounds and my weight to 177.8. To me, that is so little! I never in a million years thought after weighing 294.4 pounds, I would ever be in the 100's let alone in the 70's! What an accomplishment.

Weight watchers is lovely. It opened up a whole new door for me. I do not have to worry about counting calories, writing everything I eat down and feeling like I can't eat certain things. This week went so smoothly. I just ate how I normally do, and since weight watchers allowed me to eat more than I normally did, I had some extras :). I am beginning to think that was my problem for the past few months. Was I not eating enough? Very Possible. All fruits and vegetables are 0 points. So I think that is why I had success. I loaded up this week, something I feel like recently I have not been doing. Weight watchers has freed me from my old routine and given me something new. It is working out so well and I couldn't be happier.

I saw this post on a blog and it got me thinking:

 This  thought is what motivated me to lose weight. For the first time ever, I do not feel fat anymore. I feel small and thin. I now know what is it like to be thinner and it exceeded all my expectations. I am truly happy for the first time in my entire life. Feeling this way was worth all the struggles and bumps in the road :)

News.

I have some news to share. I sort of feel like a traitor in some ways. However, I am going to fully explain my decision.

This journey has been long, and it still isn't over. The past couple of months have been rough. I have been struggling everyday and seeing little results. I know this is happening because of thoughts I have that I can no longer control. I have lost 115 pounds. However, I am still overweight and have a good 25 pounds to lose. That bothers me. I still get mad at myself for letting my weight get so out of control. You would think after losing 115 pounds I would be a stick. Im not. I am still a size 10/12. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, however, for me this is all just a reality of how big I truly was.

I have come so far. I have worked hard day in and day out. I lost the weight by eating healthy and working out on my own. I had absolutely no help. I figured out what was best for me, and counted my calories. I figured out what exercises I needed to do to get into shape. I have taken pride in the fact that I did it alone for the past 2 years, and have had great success.

Things are slowing down, and frankly I am so tired of the same routine day after day. I need a fresh start. Something I can do that will allow me to let go of the past and simply focus on these last 25 pounds.

All of that being said, I joined weight watchers. Let me tell you how positive it has been thus far. It was so refreshing to sign up for it, and enter my weight at 180 pounds. That moment allowed me to just let go of the past, and just be that person who has less than 30 pounds to lose. It was so positive and made me feel great. The format is different than what I have been doing and I feel like I need it. I need something different and new. I feel like this is what I need to get fully healthy and happy.

I picked weight watchers in particular because of the points system. I can still eat like I was, just make some tweaks and no long count calories! YAY! I am allowed 30 points a day and an allowance of an extra 49 per week that I can use however I want. I can start seeing how my exercise helps me toward my goal as well. Activities and workouts are also added up into points.  Another reason I picked weight watchers is because through out this journey I have always purchased some weight watchers food anyway. Like their whole wheat bread and ice cream. It is easy and convenient to purchase since it is sold in regular grocery stores.

I feel like this is a new beginning for me on this long journey. I need this more than I can explain. I will still update weekly with my results, I weigh in on Wednesdays still! I am excited to share all my new discoveries and my awesome results in the upcoming weeks.

I may have had the guts to do this on my own in the beginning, but I also have the guts to look for help when I know I need it. Hopefully everyone understand my decision.

Sick and -115 pic.

This week was so bizzare. It started off great- I worked out Thursday and Friday. I spent the weekend in long island with Joe. My food choices were perfect. I was feeling great until Sunday. I'm still not even sure what it was. I'm not sure if I got food poisioning or a virus but I was really sick all night Sunday and all day Monday. I could barley eat at first, but when I could stomach anything it was bread and crackers. It was a rough couple of days and really threw me off. My weight this week stayed the same. I couldn't do pretty much anything about getting sick, and feeling like death. I worked out for the first time since Friday last night. I am still really exhaused from being sick, but things are back on track. I know this coming weeks results will be amazing. I hate when stuff like this happenes because it really is out of your control. I wanted to post another before and after. 115 pounds lighter and couldn't be happier<3!

Slowly but surely

Slow and steady wins the race, right? I think so.

The past three weeks have just been great. Everything is back on track. I was able to lose 0.8 pounds again this week. That makes my total for the past 3 weeks 3 pounds lost. In the month of January alone I lost 2 pounds so this is nothing short of amazing.

I was able to get over another huge bump in the road this morning as well. I have been stuck between 180 and 183 since December. I told myself this morning if I saw a 180 one  more time I was going to scream my head off. I even began doubting myself, wondering if this is just the weight I am suppose to be. No. It's not. I proved that to myself this morning when I saw 179.6- FINALLY!!!!

I am in the 170's officially, I have lost 115 pounds, I am officially not considered obese anymore (according to the BMI index) This is what I have been waiting for. 

With time and hard work, you can achieve anything.

YES!

FINALLY. Some decent results. My weigh in yesterday was a wonderful success. I lost 1.4 pounds, and couldn't be more happy. I worked very hard this past week and I now understand and see the changes that were necessary to make. I lowered my calories by about 75 each day. I also started working out- doing the same thing I was, just simply added an an extra 10-15 minutes.
Sometimes I forget how far I have come and how much I have really lost. I tend to stick with doing the same things over and over. It is super important to switch things up on a weekly basis. Whether it be your eating patters or workouts. Once your body gets used to something, your results won't be the same.

I am glad I finally figured out the problem and I cannot wait to see what the next couple weeks results are, I feel fully back on track and I love it!

Crunch Time.

Expectation after my weight loss: My body would be perfect. I would be able to wear whatever I wanted. I would look good in a bikini. I would be less apprehensive to be social. I'd have all the confidence in the word. I would dress way cuter then I used too.

Reality after my 113 pound loss: My body is FAR from perfect. I still cannot show my arms in sleeveless tops or dresses. I look scary in a bikini. I am still antisocial although things have improved. My confidence is better, but I still find myself thinking like a "fat" girl. Lastly, I dress in whatever fits me right, not anything ideal. 

Depressing? Yes. 

Here is my problem- I always set my expectations extremely high, not just for myself, but for everyone else in my life as well. I always think things are going to end up perfect and go my way. I don't understand why after my 21 years having almost all my hopes and expectations shot down, that I don't think differently by now. I still tend to hope for the best, even though I know deep down, that rarely happens. 

I am going to make things different this time. No one else has control over this situation expect for me. For this one time I am going to make my exceptions a reality. I have been upset over this for a while and I have come to terms with it. I am still far from what I consider perfect. I want to be 155 pounds, I want to be a size 8. I want to wear tank tops and cute summer dresses without worrying about my arms. I want to wear adorable bathing suits, not black one pieces. 

My ideal weight and size is completely reachable. I am not striving to be a size 2 and be stick thin. I knew in the beginning that would NEVER happen. That is 175 percent fine with me. I would never want to lose my curves. But, I want to be that person who can just be happy with their body and confident. 

I am ready to do this. I know this is going to be a harder process then the actual weight loss. I have been on this journey for 2 years, lost 113 pounds but in a way I feel like this is the beginning. Mentally, I need to think that way. I need to just put the past behind me and focus. I know for a fact that for the past 2 months, the past has been holding me back. It has been emotionally exhausting on a daily basis. I beat myself up all day. I go to bed feeling like a failure. 

I am far from being a failure. I have won at every battle along the way. It is crunch time. I have a little under 3 months until I graduate school and by then I want to be fully on track and happy again with my journey. I need to make this happen for my sanity and for my health. My goal by graduation (may 23)  is to be 165 lbs, but more importantly be a lot more toned. I want to get rid of all of the fat that is holding me back from my expectations.

I know this is a rather depressing post. Everyone who knows me and my readers knows I am the most positive person on the planet. I needed to vent. Major weight loss journeys are HARD. I am not sugar coating it. However, I know that only I have the power to turn this around, and I will. 

Wednesday weigh in vid.

My first weigh in of my third year. How exciting? After I recorded, I looked at my results from last year. I lost the same amount of weight my first week, crazy huh? That just makes me feel so much better. I went on to lose almost 60 pounds, if I do that in my third year, I would be a toothpick! Seriously, my goal is to lose another 25 pounds, I don't like tooth picks :)

I also included some tips in this video if you are trying to get started with your weight loss!

blogging via video!

The video quality is horrible- but it gets the job done! So far I don't know how I feel about vlogging, but as things progress I will make a decision about continuing with it or not. This is just a simply intro vid, and will post with a video tomorrow about my weekly results!

Stuck it out- year two.

My second year on this journey is now complete. What a roller coster is has been. I'll be 100% honest, it has been so hard. This year started off amazing. Going into last spring and all summer I was more motivated than ever. My numbers reflected that. September came and things had never been so difficult. Up until that point on my journey I had been working out of my house, and going to school part time. I had all the time in the world to focus on my weight loss. I went back to school full time in September and started student teaching. My numbers slowed down a little. However, I did manage to lose 17 pounds during the semester. The holiday season was an enormous challenge for me this year. I have been dancing around the same numbers now since the beginning of January. These past 2 months have been the most difficult months thus far. I am bothered every day by my lack of weight loss. However, it has given me a lot of time to reflect and figure out why I ended up being 294 pounds. I have learned so much on the journey. One of the main things being, it isn't how I look coming out of this, it is want I learned along the way. It is about what I take out of this weight loss and what I do with it in the future. Yes, I haven't lost much weight the past few weeks, but I have certainly learned how to maintain it, and not gain any weight back, that's a plus.

I will admit, I need to step things up. I need to figure out how to go about losing weight on top of my INSANE schedule. I am in my last semester of college and I never thought I would be so happy with myself. I am proud, I created my own happiness.

Looking forward to year 3- I have about another 25 pounds I want to lose, and lots of toning. Possibly skin removal surgery? That is a huge decision, and I want to see how I look when I reach my goal before even considering that. I am just so pleased with how far I have come, and all that I have learned. I would have never been able to do so without all of the amazing and unconditional support of my family and friends. Also, the engorging inspiring words from complete strangers.

This has been the most difficult, life changing process. I have hated it so much at times, and adored it at others. Today I adore it. I love what I did, and I cannot wait to see where I am next year on this day.

My total loss for my second year is 59.6 pounds.

Losing nothing.

January was the worst month of this journey. I feel like a failure, simply put. I lost 2 pounds during the entire month. Worst feeling ever. I have had so much success, yet right now I feel like I have achieved nothing. The only drop of any I have left is knowing that this past July had similar results. I only lost about 3 pounds during that month. I bounced back from that, and I'm hoping I can bounce back from this too.

I really have nothing much else to say. I gained a half pound this week, no surprise there. I am literally holding on by a thread here. Hopefully next week I have better results. I am going to make the best of this fresh start, I'm so glad January is over!

busy + my number.

 School has started and whoa... It has already been crazy. Days that I student teach (Tuesdays and Thursdays) I have breakfast, snack, lunch and my afternoon snack on the go. I leave at 7am and don't get home until 5pm. SO a lot of planning happens. I pack at least 2 fruits, stuff like trail mix, multi grain goldfish, a peanut butter and low sugar jelly sand which on wholewheat and at least half a days worth of water, so 2 to 3 bottles. It takes time and effort to figure out what I need and want. However, it is crucial to my journey. If I didn't pack my food I would panic. I would end up probably skipping meals, being so hungry and making bad choices. I would hate to put myself in that situation. You shouldn't either! It takes a lot of effort to be healthy and busy at the same time.

So this week I lost a pound. I'm SO happy about it. It is a great step in the right direction. Considering how busy this week was, I feel like that 1 pound loss is like 10 pounds. Like I always say, even the littlest loss should be celebrated. 

One thing I have NEVER revealed on my blog is my actual weight. Kind of strange I know. However, I have been completely ashamed of that number. I feel like moving forward I need to start accepting where I was, and be happy with where I am now, I have worked so hard. So here it goes... I started this journey weighing 294.4 pounds. As of this morning, I weigh 182.4 pounds. My heart is pounding as I even type the numbers out on here. I know it's time though to just get it out in the open. I hope me revealing my weight inspires my readers just a little more. Moving forward, my "ultimate goal" is between 150-155 pounds. That is where I feel I will be most comfortable and be able to maintain my healthy lifestyle best. Like I have said before my journey isn't about getting skinny, it is about being healthy and happy inside.

Until next week :)

update + journal entry.

My final semester at my college has begun. I am so nervous, and excited to just get it over with! I am happy to be back into a routine because my winter break was a total bust. My plan going in was to lose 5 pounds, simple enough? NO. I didn't anticipate the holidays being such a challenge for me, but they were and thats life. Moving right along from that situation and getting myself back on track. My weigh ins were all over the place over the past month. I put on about 3 pounds, but as of yesterday, I am lower than my pre-holiday weight by a half pound... YAY! I feel great again, energetic, healthy and light. I have lost 112 pounds in total. It is crazy to even think about losing that much, so I don't.

I have started doing some yoga at home. I am a little intimidated to go to a studio just yet. I want to get more comfortable with it in the mean time. So far though I love it. It is calming and challenging all at once. It is perfect for me to do, since I stress myself out very easily. I think yoga will fit perfectly into my new lifestyle.

So, this semester, I have to take a fitness and wellness class. It is required to graduate, because I certainly do not think I would have taken this class freely. It is basically a health/gym class. Let me tell you all the bad feelings I didn't know I had about "gym" class. I have the worst anxiety about it. High school gym was horrific for me. Never did anything, almost didn't graduate high school on time because of it. I was way to self conscious to participate in group activities, unless in was ping pong. Getting called thunder thighs during a fitness test didn't help either! Well anyway, I have this "gym" class tomorrow and I have already lost sleep over it. I literally keep telling myself over and over, "you are not fat or in high school anymore." I am hoping the first class will make me feel differently. We will see...

I haven't post any of my journals in forever, so I will today. This was yesterdays entry.

Breakfast:
Low sugar apple&cinnamon oatmeal: 120
Small banana: 100
Coffee w/ fat free milk: 30
                                                   Total: 250

Snack:
Kashi trail mix bar: 140

Lunch:
1 1/2 cup of low sodium veggie soup: 90
2 multigrain wispa crackers: 90
Apple: 80
                                                    Total: 260

Snack:
Cheddar rice cakes: 140

Dinner: (stir-fry type thing)
Serving size of whole grain pasta: 200
4 oz Chicken (broiled): 150
Roasted veggies: 50
                                                    Total: 400

Snack:
4 cups of popcorn: 100
2 small clementines: 60
                                                   Total: 160

Total for day: 1490 calories. Exercise: 30 min yoga-30 min treadmill. Water: 80 oz

See how much you could eat and lose weight? All I do is eat, it's insane..

New you tips.

I went to the gym this morning and WHOA, I had never seen it so packed on a Wednesday morning. I was so happy. So many people are really thinking of this new year as a fresh start to get healthy and feel great. There has also been an increase in the amount of people asking for my help. There is nothing I love and appreciate more than people coming to me for advice. I thought Id post some tips to help those who have asked , and those who just read this blog. I myself am looking at the new year as a fresh start, yes, I have lost over 100 pounds, but emotionally and some of my eating has been off. It is time to look toward the future, work hard, and kick ass.

1. Let it go. Do not think about all the times you have failed to lose weight before. It is in the past, you cannot change it. Those times do not reflect your drive to lose weight this time. You are not a failure. You can achieve this, and anything else you want, if you just work hard. The only thing you should reflect on is, why did you fail? Grab a piece of paper and write down the reasons you have failed before. That way, this time you can learn from those mistakes. After you've written them down, write down what you are going to do to change it, solutions to those prior issues. Then, if you are ever faced with the same issue, you will have the answer to look at right in front of you. It will be less discouraging. For example, maybe you failed before because you went on a binge then figured, well I ate a ton of crap, why continue to try? If that was my problem, my solution would be, to look at the bigger picture. One night of eating crap isn't going to make me gain weight, work even harder the next couple days. Learn from your mistakes. Do not give up, small failures are needed to grow and build willpower.

2. Set gym days. It's hard to go to the gym sometimes. Almost 2 years into this I still hate it every once in a while. Maybe start off my setting Monday and Thursday nights as your workout nights. Once you see the results of those 2 workouts in your weigh ins, you will be inspired to hit up the gym 1 or even 2 more days a week. If you miss some days, or even don't go for like 2 weeks (which I have) do NOT let it discourage you. Just go back to your set days.

3. Eat. You need to EAT to lose weight. 5 smaller meals a day. Load up with fruits and veggies. Try to stay away from processed foods, but if you want those chips or cookies, have the serving size. There is no harm in that what so ever. You can still go out to eat. Just make smart choices. Don't get burgers and fries, or stuff with bacon and cheese on it. We all know that's bad. Have the salads with low fat dressing, have a burger with only 1/2 the bun and no fries, substitute with veggies. Common sense. If you know something doesn't sound healthy, try to make it healthy. Also, do your research. Almost every restaurant, expect local ones, have web sites with all their nutritional info. Go in knowing exactly what you'll be getting, and the calories of it. Another easy way to eat healthier, do not drink (once in a while, fine). Alcohol is loaded with sugar and calories. Drink water and tea.  Why drink your calories? 100 calories can of soda loaded with sugar... doesn't sound as good as an apple with some crackers, or toast with Cinnamon.

4. Celebrate. When you lose a pound, fit into your jeans better, go down a size. GO CRAZY. You should be so happy you did it. Even the littlest accomplishment should be celebrated. Tell you main supporters everything. Share the good and bad. They will help you and ultimately, you will learn to celebrate and be able to comfort yourself in your own head.

5. It's going to take time. It has taken me almost 2 years to lose 111 pounds. That's a little over 50 pounds a year. If your going to do this healthy, making it a lifestyle change, not a diet. It is going to take some time. That is something you just have to accept. There is no way around it. There are no pills, no drugs, nothing you can do to speed it up, unless you want to gain it all back. You need to learn to eat healthy and be active in a way you can continue for the rest of your life. If you lose weight by dieting, then go back to the way you used to be, you are going to gain the weight back, and then some. It is going to take a lot of time, but I promise you, in the end, it doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as you do it the healthy way.


Hope these tips help!  Keep emailing your questions!

2012.

Am I the only one sad to see 2011 go?
What an amazing year it was. I had so much success in many aspects. I lost over 70 pounds, did an amazing job in school,  and feel like overall, I grew and became a better person. I'm not sure if I could ever top this past year, but I learned so many new things that hopefully 2012 is just as great and I have as much, if not more personal successes.

I have clearly been neglecting my blog. Only 2 post in the month of December is sad. I will be honest though, I haven't had much to write about. Things have been okay. I am down 111 pounds all together. My weigh ins are going well. There is one problem though- I have hit an emotional road block. Everyone I have talked too, or have seen on shows that lose a significant amount of weight hit a strange emotional plateau. Their weight loss slows, or even stops because of things going on in their heads. Whatever their battle may be, it hurts the weight loss aspect, but a lot of internal growth takes place.

My battle? Letting go of the past. I want too so bad. I want to stop thinking of myself as someone who used to weigh almost 300 pounds. I just want to start thinking of myself as a healthy, happy, hard working person. I have changed in every single way, and sometimes it is hard for me not to feel lost. It has been quite an adjustment. So, I made my  new years resolution this- I want to think in the now, and not think like the old me anymore. I need to say goodbye to the past, and look forward to my amazing future, which I worked my ass off to achieve. I have conquered so much thus far, this is just another thing to accomplish.

Moving forward, as always, I am enthusiastic. I am excited to keep going, and lose more weight. I am so happy with the way I feel and look. I bought my first pair of non-plus size jeans last week, and went on my first shopping trip without even entering a plus size store... YES! -Officially a size 10 (from a 24). I want to lose another 20 pounds. Then my ultimate goal will be reached.

I hope everyone has a very happy new year.I tell everyone this- you can achieve ANYTHING you want, it just takes a shit load of time and hard work. & I hope you achieve everything you set out too.

HAPPY 2012!