Crunch Time.

Expectation after my weight loss: My body would be perfect. I would be able to wear whatever I wanted. I would look good in a bikini. I would be less apprehensive to be social. I'd have all the confidence in the word. I would dress way cuter then I used too.

Reality after my 113 pound loss: My body is FAR from perfect. I still cannot show my arms in sleeveless tops or dresses. I look scary in a bikini. I am still antisocial although things have improved. My confidence is better, but I still find myself thinking like a "fat" girl. Lastly, I dress in whatever fits me right, not anything ideal. 

Depressing? Yes. 

Here is my problem- I always set my expectations extremely high, not just for myself, but for everyone else in my life as well. I always think things are going to end up perfect and go my way. I don't understand why after my 21 years having almost all my hopes and expectations shot down, that I don't think differently by now. I still tend to hope for the best, even though I know deep down, that rarely happens. 

I am going to make things different this time. No one else has control over this situation expect for me. For this one time I am going to make my exceptions a reality. I have been upset over this for a while and I have come to terms with it. I am still far from what I consider perfect. I want to be 155 pounds, I want to be a size 8. I want to wear tank tops and cute summer dresses without worrying about my arms. I want to wear adorable bathing suits, not black one pieces. 

My ideal weight and size is completely reachable. I am not striving to be a size 2 and be stick thin. I knew in the beginning that would NEVER happen. That is 175 percent fine with me. I would never want to lose my curves. But, I want to be that person who can just be happy with their body and confident. 

I am ready to do this. I know this is going to be a harder process then the actual weight loss. I have been on this journey for 2 years, lost 113 pounds but in a way I feel like this is the beginning. Mentally, I need to think that way. I need to just put the past behind me and focus. I know for a fact that for the past 2 months, the past has been holding me back. It has been emotionally exhausting on a daily basis. I beat myself up all day. I go to bed feeling like a failure. 

I am far from being a failure. I have won at every battle along the way. It is crunch time. I have a little under 3 months until I graduate school and by then I want to be fully on track and happy again with my journey. I need to make this happen for my sanity and for my health. My goal by graduation (may 23)  is to be 165 lbs, but more importantly be a lot more toned. I want to get rid of all of the fat that is holding me back from my expectations.

I know this is a rather depressing post. Everyone who knows me and my readers knows I am the most positive person on the planet. I needed to vent. Major weight loss journeys are HARD. I am not sugar coating it. However, I know that only I have the power to turn this around, and I will.