Turning point- a positive one.

First and foremost, I want to apologize to the people who read my blog weekly. I have neglected to think about you through all of my struggles. I will just put it this way. Losing weight is the hardest thing in the world to do. Especially when you lose over 115 pounds and you still do not feel like you did yourself any good. The past few months have been an absolute roller-coaster to say the least. I am struggling. My mind and my motivation and my drive are all over the place currently. I feel like I have hit an emotional road block in all of this. I weigh 181 pounds. I want to weigh 154 pounds. How do I get there? I used to weigh 294 pounds. I of all people know the answer. Something is holding me back.

The stress of this last semester has been through the roof. I have never worked so hard, or put in so much time and effort into something (other than this of course). I was so stressed the first 2 days of my head teaching week, my heart was pounding out of my chest all day and I literally had to calm down, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I have been so preoccupied with school I have made horrible choices. Choices I used to make, choices that made me so unhealthy and unhappy.

I know as of lately my post have been all over the place. One day I am all upset and annoyed, a week later I am so happy, and back on track. Well that has literally been the deal now for about a month. I am mentally exhausted from thinking about lose weight constantly. I am in the worst place I have been thus far. 

I need to do SOMETHING. I am not happy. I have put on a little less than 4 pounds. Everyone keeps telling me, that's okay, it happens! Well not to me, that is not okay with me. It is one thing to gain a pound or two because I am bloated from my period, or had a rough week but get right back on track. This is different. I have gained this weight because I am so far off my the plan I worked hard to create for myself. I gained these 4 pounds because I consumed the extra calories without burning them off. It is simple.

Like I said before, I know my post have been all over the place. I have clearly taken some time off. I needed it. It is EXHAUSTING to do this every week. Not that I am complaining. I am happy what this journey has brought me, and I wouldn't change anything. But, oh my god this is hard. I have taken the past few weeks to really figure out what I need to do. The answer came clear to me last night, and that is why I feel ready to post about it.

I was going through some old clothes and found my junior prom dress. When I went to junior prom my weight was 230 pounds, I was a size 16. I tried it on. It fell right off. How many people can say something they wore when they were 16 years old is now too big on them? ME! Anyway, then I thought about my senior prom dress. When I went to that prom, just one year later, my weight ballooned too 277 pounds and my dress was a size 22. I went from a size 16 to a 22 in a year. How did I do that to myself? Why did I think that was okay? I may have only put on 4 little pounds, but my heart sank when I made this connection. I will gain weight if I do not stay on track. I am a size 10/12 right now. In a year if I do not figure this out, I could be back up to a size 22, who knows? I am better than that. I worked WAY to hard to let myself get back in that dark terrible place. I need to reach my goal for myself. This is what I am meant to do. I can do it. 

I am starting over. Literally. All the starting out tips I tell everyone, well I am going to practice what I preach. That is how I will get out of this rut. I am starting over. All the small changes I made 2 years and 3 months ago to start this journey, I am going to repeat. That is what I know and what I know will work for me. 

I hope everyone understands why I am having such a terrible struggle. Hang in there with me, I am pretty sure after the dress discovery, this is going to be the turning point for me. Also the fact that in 2 weeks, I am officially be graduated from college and will have my degree in early childhood education. I appreciate your support now and always. I will make myself and all of your proud again, soon enough :)

AH!

Alright, where should I start?!

SO, this past week was my head teaching week at school, and I will just cut to the chase.. I fell of the track completely. I was so stressed and overwhelmed food and my workouts where the LAST thing on my mind. I skipped my weigh in to keep my sanity. I thought this was extremely fair. This, being year 3 of my journey, I have not skipped a weigh in yet. I deserved to not worry about it for just one week, right? Also, for the recored, I kicked total ass during my head teaching week. I did great and I am so happy.

Well, that ended this past Friday and I already feel better. I went for a lovely walk/jog yesterday morning, and plan on doing the same this afternoon. I kind of think getting off track was a positive thing. I felt horrible and disgusting and bloated all week from my lack of clean eating. It was a reminder of how truly AWFUL I used to feel. That was the motivation I needed. I am SO happy right now, because in my gut (the shrunken one) I feel it. I know that was the reality check I needed. I feel more motivated than ever to do my best at this.

I am sitting here right now in an adorable summer dress, pretty short I might add, showing off some in much need of a tan skin. I love it. I love that it is warm out and I am not worrying about covering up my body. I love that I am going to walk outside in a few minutes and feel the warmth of the sun on my legs and arms. This is such a great feeling.  I know it sounds silly, but to me, this is all so new.

I am excited for my weigh in on wednesday!

That didn't work-

Okay so, the whole weight watchers thing did not work for me.

I think it is great. I think it works, it is helpful towards weight loss, and can help and has helped so so many people get healthy. I have nothing against it. For me, it was just way more work than my original method. I also found myself eating way more processed foods then I normally do. It was annoying to learn a whole new system of tracking what I eat, when I can look at something at this point and tell you how many calories are in it. It was hard for me to track what I was eating all day on the computer when I'm old school and the only computer or internet access I have is on my desk top computer at home.  I don't think it really works for someone like me. Someone who lost so much weight on their own, you know? I did learn a lot, and I feel like it gave me a jolt. It showed me that what I was doing was working and it is what's best for me. I joined it because I wanted a change, well I got that change. It wasn't the best change. I am more confident then ever that I just need to do what I was doing. My own original weight loss program is what I can live with and maintain for the rest of my life. I do not see myself being a lifetime weight watchers member.

I think it is great for people who want to start losing weight, not continue a huge life style change. I am just too set in my ways at this point. I am sad it didn't work out, but I am happy I tried something new.

Moving forward, I have been doing lots of research and looking back at old journals. I am pretty sure I found the problem that caused my huge plateau. I am going to try out a couple new things in the upcoming weeks and see what happens. My next step is, if in the next couple months my weight loss is still super slow, I am going to get a trainer.

These last 23 pounds will be the death of me! However, I am staying positive and I am excited :)