The stress of this last semester has been through the roof. I have never worked so hard, or put in so much time and effort into something (other than this of course). I was so stressed the first 2 days of my head teaching week, my heart was pounding out of my chest all day and I literally had to calm down, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I have been so preoccupied with school I have made horrible choices. Choices I used to make, choices that made me so unhealthy and unhappy.
I know as of lately my post have been all over the place. One day I am all upset and annoyed, a week later I am so happy, and back on track. Well that has literally been the deal now for about a month. I am mentally exhausted from thinking about lose weight constantly. I am in the worst place I have been thus far.
I need to do SOMETHING. I am not happy. I have put on a little less than 4 pounds. Everyone keeps telling me, that's okay, it happens! Well not to me, that is not okay with me. It is one thing to gain a pound or two because I am bloated from my period, or had a rough week but get right back on track. This is different. I have gained this weight because I am so far off my the plan I worked hard to create for myself. I gained these 4 pounds because I consumed the extra calories without burning them off. It is simple.
Like I said before, I know my post have been all over the place. I have clearly taken some time off. I needed it. It is EXHAUSTING to do this every week. Not that I am complaining. I am happy what this journey has brought me, and I wouldn't change anything. But, oh my god this is hard. I have taken the past few weeks to really figure out what I need to do. The answer came clear to me last night, and that is why I feel ready to post about it.
I was going through some old clothes and found my junior prom dress. When I went to junior prom my weight was 230 pounds, I was a size 16. I tried it on. It fell right off. How many people can say something they wore when they were 16 years old is now too big on them? ME! Anyway, then I thought about my senior prom dress. When I went to that prom, just one year later, my weight ballooned too 277 pounds and my dress was a size 22. I went from a size 16 to a 22 in a year. How did I do that to myself? Why did I think that was okay? I may have only put on 4 little pounds, but my heart sank when I made this connection. I will gain weight if I do not stay on track. I am a size 10/12 right now. In a year if I do not figure this out, I could be back up to a size 22, who knows? I am better than that. I worked WAY to hard to let myself get back in that dark terrible place. I need to reach my goal for myself. This is what I am meant to do. I can do it.
I am starting over. Literally. All the starting out tips I tell everyone, well I am going to practice what I preach. That is how I will get out of this rut. I am starting over. All the small changes I made 2 years and 3 months ago to start this journey, I am going to repeat. That is what I know and what I know will work for me.
I hope everyone understands why I am having such a terrible struggle. Hang in there with me, I am pretty sure after the dress discovery, this is going to be the turning point for me. Also the fact that in 2 weeks, I am officially be graduated from college and will have my degree in early childhood education. I appreciate your support now and always. I will make myself and all of your proud again, soon enough :)
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