Crunch Time.

Expectation after my weight loss: My body would be perfect. I would be able to wear whatever I wanted. I would look good in a bikini. I would be less apprehensive to be social. I'd have all the confidence in the word. I would dress way cuter then I used too.

Reality after my 113 pound loss: My body is FAR from perfect. I still cannot show my arms in sleeveless tops or dresses. I look scary in a bikini. I am still antisocial although things have improved. My confidence is better, but I still find myself thinking like a "fat" girl. Lastly, I dress in whatever fits me right, not anything ideal. 

Depressing? Yes. 

Here is my problem- I always set my expectations extremely high, not just for myself, but for everyone else in my life as well. I always think things are going to end up perfect and go my way. I don't understand why after my 21 years having almost all my hopes and expectations shot down, that I don't think differently by now. I still tend to hope for the best, even though I know deep down, that rarely happens. 

I am going to make things different this time. No one else has control over this situation expect for me. For this one time I am going to make my exceptions a reality. I have been upset over this for a while and I have come to terms with it. I am still far from what I consider perfect. I want to be 155 pounds, I want to be a size 8. I want to wear tank tops and cute summer dresses without worrying about my arms. I want to wear adorable bathing suits, not black one pieces. 

My ideal weight and size is completely reachable. I am not striving to be a size 2 and be stick thin. I knew in the beginning that would NEVER happen. That is 175 percent fine with me. I would never want to lose my curves. But, I want to be that person who can just be happy with their body and confident. 

I am ready to do this. I know this is going to be a harder process then the actual weight loss. I have been on this journey for 2 years, lost 113 pounds but in a way I feel like this is the beginning. Mentally, I need to think that way. I need to just put the past behind me and focus. I know for a fact that for the past 2 months, the past has been holding me back. It has been emotionally exhausting on a daily basis. I beat myself up all day. I go to bed feeling like a failure. 

I am far from being a failure. I have won at every battle along the way. It is crunch time. I have a little under 3 months until I graduate school and by then I want to be fully on track and happy again with my journey. I need to make this happen for my sanity and for my health. My goal by graduation (may 23)  is to be 165 lbs, but more importantly be a lot more toned. I want to get rid of all of the fat that is holding me back from my expectations.

I know this is a rather depressing post. Everyone who knows me and my readers knows I am the most positive person on the planet. I needed to vent. Major weight loss journeys are HARD. I am not sugar coating it. However, I know that only I have the power to turn this around, and I will. 

Wednesday weigh in vid.

My first weigh in of my third year. How exciting? After I recorded, I looked at my results from last year. I lost the same amount of weight my first week, crazy huh? That just makes me feel so much better. I went on to lose almost 60 pounds, if I do that in my third year, I would be a toothpick! Seriously, my goal is to lose another 25 pounds, I don't like tooth picks :)

I also included some tips in this video if you are trying to get started with your weight loss!

blogging via video!

The video quality is horrible- but it gets the job done! So far I don't know how I feel about vlogging, but as things progress I will make a decision about continuing with it or not. This is just a simply intro vid, and will post with a video tomorrow about my weekly results!

Stuck it out- year two.

My second year on this journey is now complete. What a roller coster is has been. I'll be 100% honest, it has been so hard. This year started off amazing. Going into last spring and all summer I was more motivated than ever. My numbers reflected that. September came and things had never been so difficult. Up until that point on my journey I had been working out of my house, and going to school part time. I had all the time in the world to focus on my weight loss. I went back to school full time in September and started student teaching. My numbers slowed down a little. However, I did manage to lose 17 pounds during the semester. The holiday season was an enormous challenge for me this year. I have been dancing around the same numbers now since the beginning of January. These past 2 months have been the most difficult months thus far. I am bothered every day by my lack of weight loss. However, it has given me a lot of time to reflect and figure out why I ended up being 294 pounds. I have learned so much on the journey. One of the main things being, it isn't how I look coming out of this, it is want I learned along the way. It is about what I take out of this weight loss and what I do with it in the future. Yes, I haven't lost much weight the past few weeks, but I have certainly learned how to maintain it, and not gain any weight back, that's a plus.

I will admit, I need to step things up. I need to figure out how to go about losing weight on top of my INSANE schedule. I am in my last semester of college and I never thought I would be so happy with myself. I am proud, I created my own happiness.

Looking forward to year 3- I have about another 25 pounds I want to lose, and lots of toning. Possibly skin removal surgery? That is a huge decision, and I want to see how I look when I reach my goal before even considering that. I am just so pleased with how far I have come, and all that I have learned. I would have never been able to do so without all of the amazing and unconditional support of my family and friends. Also, the engorging inspiring words from complete strangers.

This has been the most difficult, life changing process. I have hated it so much at times, and adored it at others. Today I adore it. I love what I did, and I cannot wait to see where I am next year on this day.

My total loss for my second year is 59.6 pounds.

Losing nothing.

January was the worst month of this journey. I feel like a failure, simply put. I lost 2 pounds during the entire month. Worst feeling ever. I have had so much success, yet right now I feel like I have achieved nothing. The only drop of any I have left is knowing that this past July had similar results. I only lost about 3 pounds during that month. I bounced back from that, and I'm hoping I can bounce back from this too.

I really have nothing much else to say. I gained a half pound this week, no surprise there. I am literally holding on by a thread here. Hopefully next week I have better results. I am going to make the best of this fresh start, I'm so glad January is over!